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  1. Yesterday
  2. Michigan right tackle Andrew Stueber will be out indefinitely with a leg injury.
  3. New York Jets linebacker Avery Williamson has torn ACL and will likely miss the season.
  4. Los Angeles Chargers safety has stress fracture in his foot and will be evaluated.
  5. Hideki Matsuyama leads in the second round of the BMW Championship at -12.
  6. Seattle 7 Detroit 2. Pitching continues to be a problem as Seattle pounded out 14 hits.
  7. Clinton, Iowa - A woman drives through a red light and is immediately chase. She then calls the sheriff's office to report her car had been stolen, the woman police were chasing. She was stopped with the Stop Sticks.
  8. ^^^^ All hilarious, 52
  9. The Artificial Intelligence Quantum Computer stood at the end of the most famous computer company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The CEO stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This" he proudly said "is the Artificial Intelligence Quantum Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it". The obligatory 'know-it-all' stepped forward from the group and asked "Where is my father?" There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Screen lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Yacht trip in Phuket Island". The 'know-it-all' laughed "Actually, my father is not alive! It was a trick question!" The CEO, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Quantum Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better. The 'know-it-all' said to the Quantum Computer "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a second, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said "Dead. But your father is still on a yacht in Phuket".
  10. Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well" says the Queen "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people". Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle". The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers "That would be me". "Yes! Very good" says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure" says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one". Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognises General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster". Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
  11. Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more. The barman says "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time". Patrick replies "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder". The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way - ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss". Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh "Oh no" he says "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me... I've quit drinking!"
  12. Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. Says to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back... wide eyed and white as ghosts! The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am" the officer replies "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers". "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. It is posted at twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says proudly. The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time" the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189".
  13. Lisa and Judy were doing some carpentry work. Lisa was nailing down some house siding wood. She would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Lisa explained "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away". Judy got completely upset and yelled "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
  14. When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said " I want the men to make two lines: "One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter ". Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said to the long line "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him". God turned to the one man "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied "My wife told me to stand here".
  15. Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. "Well" says the priest "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top". "No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy "Oh my Lord" says Father Flanagan "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir.... wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc". A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue. Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling. "It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
  16. A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief' as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour". John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued "May I ask what the turkey did?"
  17. A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six". A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?" the wife asks. He replies "They had avocados.
  18. Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack. "Don't Panic" cried Harold heroically. "I'll land this baby!" Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed "Red lights!! Right in front of you!" Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the brakes, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights. "Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!" "Yeah" agreed Al, looking side to side "but look how WIDE it is".
  19. Last week
  20. Georgia Tech quarterback Lucas Johnson has been granted a sixth year of eligibility by the NCAA.
  21. Washington Wizards have named Antwan Jamison director of pro personnel and Laron Profit and John Carideo pro scouts.
  22. Justin Thomas and Jason Kodrak are tied in the first round of the BMW Championship at -7. Both players have finished their rounds.
  23. Detroit 3 Seattle 2. Effective pitching despite giving up two solo shots and defense. Catcher Jake Rogers threw out a runner trying to steal second to end the third inning and picked off a runner at first with the tying run at second to end the seventh inning.
  24. CNN's Chris Cuomo verbally assails a man who called him "Fredo." As usual, Trump could not mind his own business and accused Cuomo of using filthy language and being out of control. Trump is the wrong person to make such a comment.
  25. Nashville, Tennessee - A man walks into a Walmart and attempts to a stuff a brisquette and two propane tanks down his pants. The suspect was observed on camera by two officers who were called to the store to investigate another crime.
  26. Trudeau's nose just got longer.
  27. Fixed it for ya!
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