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Are You Ready For A Good Laugh?


rosalie52
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I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer.

A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your will power."

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess' I said, "I don't know.........maybe 350 pounds."

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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results."I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results."I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

Made my day. :lol: :lol: :lol:

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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

Folsom, California - A 48 year old man on parole tries to break into prison by climbing the 7 foot tall barbed that surrounds the prison. Police would not say why he was attempting to break in as no contraband was found.

:blink:

BTW,,,can use links to YouTube on here? :unsure:

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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

:blink:

BTW,,,can use links to YouTube on here? :unsure:

The duck song? :lol:

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This is best said aloud.

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot

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This is best said aloud.

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot

GROAN!!! :lol: :lol:

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TKS CRB,,,,,there's some good funny stuff on there, within the rules of course

:)

Speaking of YouTube, there's a channel called nicepeter that has some amazingly hilarious videos called Epic Rap Battles of History.

There's Einstein vs Steven Hawking, Gandalf vs Dumbledore, Sarah Palin vs Lady Gaga, Napoleon Dynamite vs Napoleon Bonaparte, Justin Bieber vs Beethoven (my absolute favourite one), and a few more.

I can't post the links, but they're definitely worth checking out, IMO.

:)

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Speaking of YouTube, there's a channel called nicepeter that has some amazingly hilarious videos called Epic Rap Battles of History.

There's Einstein vs Steven Hawking, Gandalf vs Dumbledore, Sarah Palin vs Lady Gaga, Napoleon Dynamite vs Napoleon Bonaparte, Justin Bieber vs Beethoven (my absolute favourite one), and a few more.

I can't post the links, but they're definitely worth checking out, IMO.

:)

You have GOT to be kidding. :blink:

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Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change:$24.00

Coffee: Complementary

TOTAL: $24.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2,500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1,500.00

Beer: $20.00

TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right! ;)

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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

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"I WANT TO LIVE FOREVER"

I met a fairy godmother today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever, " I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Leafs win a Stanley Cup!"

"You crafty devil ," said the fairy.

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In the not too distant future, YouTube, Twitter & Facebook will merge to form one giant, idiotic, super, time-wasting website called ...

YouTwitFace

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

"I WANT TO LIVE FOREVER"

I met a fairy godmother today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever, " I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Leafs win a Stanley Cup!"

"You crafty devil ," said the fairy.

FUNNNY, ,,,,,HTL,,,but it makes sense. :lol:

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Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 911. Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"

Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"

BANG!!!

Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

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Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 911. Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"

Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"

BANG!!!

Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

You kill me HTL :lol: :lol:

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"I WANT TO LIVE FOREVER"

I met a fairy godmother today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever, " I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Leafs win a Stanley Cup!"

"You crafty devil ," said the fairy.

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 911. Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"

Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"

BANG!!!

Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

I just died. :lol:

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A snail grew tired of his reputation for being slow. He decided to get some fast wheels--a Nissan 350Z. But he insisted that it be changed to a 350S. "S stands for snail," he said. "I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." The dealer complied. Pretty soon, the snail was roaring down the highway. And when people saw him zooming by, they'd say, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

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A snail grew tired of his reputation for being slow. He decided to get some fast wheels--a Nissan 350Z. But he insisted that it be changed to a 350S. "S stands for snail," he said. "I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." The dealer complied. Pretty soon, the snail was roaring down the highway. And when people saw him zooming by, they'd say, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

:lol: :lol:

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