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rosalie52
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A snail grew tired of his reputation for being slow. He decided to get some fast wheels--a Nissan 350Z. But he insisted that it be changed to a 350S. "S stands for snail," he said. "I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." The dealer complied. Pretty soon, the snail was roaring down the highway. And when people saw him zooming by, they'd say, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

:rolleyes::lol:

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Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"

"Why is that?" her mom asked.

"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"He's the original owner mom!"

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Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!"

"Why is that?" her mom asked.

"He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"He's the original owner mom!"

Creepy. :lol:

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The Pope is walking along the beach when he hears loud calls for help coming from the ocean.

He looks over and notices a Hab and a Bruin fan in a rowboat, pulling in a rope attached to a lifebuoy, with a Leaf fan holding on for dear life.

Not too far away,,, a shark is quickly closing in for the kill.

Just as they get him to the boat,, the shark latches on and they pull both in.

They beat the shark to death,, saving the Leaf fan in the process.

Now the Pope is very impressed and yells at the two heros to come ashore.

He says to them,,,,,

"What i just witnessed is one of the bravest acts i've ever seen in all my long life. I've heard of the great rivalry that exists between your teams, which makes your actions special in the eyes of God".

He blesses them and goes on his way.

The Hab fan then asks the Bruin fan...

"Who was that man"?????

The Bruin fan replies...

"That was the Pope. He is the most holy of men on earth".

The Hab fan replies...

"Well,,,he may be the holiest man on earth,, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing".

"How's the bait"??

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Hab, Bruin and Leaf fan's walking down the beach.

One of them finds a lamp half buried in the sand.

They rub it and a genie pops out.

The genie says i can grant only 3 wishes, so you must share.

Bruin fan goes,,,me first. I want a million dollars.

Genie snaps his finger and the wish is granted.

Leaf fan says,,,now me, now me. I'm sick and tired of all the abuse us Leaf fans take from all the other hockey fans. My wish is that "ALL" Leaf fans have their own country, with a mile high wall surrounding it. All of Leaf Nation can now live in peace.

Genie snaps his finger and the Leaf fan gets his wish.

Hab fan is next.

Before i make my wish,,,can i ask you a quick question??

Genie replies,,,sure.

That wall you erected around Leaf Nation,,,,does it have any windows or doors???

Genie replies,,,,nope. It's a solid wall one mile high.

Hab fan then says... Awesome,,,fill it with water.

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Muehldorf, Germany - Fugitive cow on the loose. A six year old cow named Yvonne escaped from a farm where she was being prepared for slaughter. She had settled into the Bavarian countryside until she jumped in front of German police cars. Police then gave hunters permission to shoot her which outraged animal rights activists.

A German newspaper has since created a Facebook page offering a $14,000 reward for anyone who can capture Yvonne.

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Guest archey

Muehldorf, Germany - Fugitive cow on the loose. A six year old cow named Yvonne escaped from a farm where she was being prepared for slaughter. She had settled into the Bavarian countryside until she jumped in front of German police cars. Police then gave hunters permission to shoot her which outraged animal rights activists.

A German newspaper has since created a Facebook page offering a $14,000 reward for anyone who can capture Yvonne.

carey ropes. and if fh 10 ever gets off his behind..

:P

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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

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EXERCISES

If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...

NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Beer.

And now for some motorcycle humour. :)

Whats the difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

The Harley has the dirtbag on top.

BTW,,I don't have a Harley :)

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Guest archey

Hey Arch, long time no see!

How are the horses doing?

too too many mosquitos. and then its hot so when the sway back mare in the pasture comes up to get her coat brushed she is so sweated up it can't be done, and of course casey, her partner, went blind in one eye, so all in all its like, we had a summer? but back when i was digging the trench? i think it was sometime back in 1880 or so--LONG time ago.

thanks for asking.

how's the new place treating you? got the tv yet? lol. (the most important part of the job.) :P

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The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.

These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

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EXERCISES

If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...

NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Beer.

:lol: I did that 3 times. I'm exhausted now.

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New Jersey - Burglar picks the wrong time to snooze. Three men were attempting to steel copper pipes at a New Jersey restaurant when an officer spotted parked cars behind the building. The first man was arrested fleeing the building, the second at a nearby motel, and the third dozed off in his hiding place. The snoring enabled the police to find him.

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Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

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Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Small stain.

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An Australian man was banned from driving for 10 months after being caught driving a scooter made out of a motorised beer cooler.

The revamped 50cc scooter featured a cooler box which doubled as a driver's seat and was able to hold up to 48 bottles of beer.

Chris Petrie, 23, had bought the alcoholic-friendly vehicle on the internet for $630 AUS (£400) and decided to try a few beers whilst assembling it before driving home.

Petrie told Australian news channel Network Ten: "By the time we built it, it was quite late so we thought we'd go for a bit of a test run."

He was subsequently pulled over by police and found to be more than three times over Australia's legal blood alcohol limit.

On top of being well over the limit, Petrie was also charged for driving without a licence.

When asked in court if the cooler was fully loaded, Petrie informed the judge that the scooter was packed with canned rum and Cokes.

The scooter has now cost the driver a 10 month driving ban and a $500 AUS (£320)fine.

In total, Petrie forked out £720 for the scooter and penalties - on top, of course, of the rum and cokes.

That is actually really awesome.

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From a (great) edition of National Geographic this summer -- an article on rock climbing in Yosemite National Park (California). Amongst other things it outlined free soloing (no ropes).

"It is the least popular of all of the forms of rock climbing", the article said, "largely because falls are usually fatal."

"Usually" (?!?!?) :huh::unsure: , I thought? "Usually" ? :huh: . Like, if you fall off 3 feet up the 1,000 wall you pack it in and call it a day, glad that you "survived"?!! Is that, like, a "mulligan" in free solo climbing? :lol:

For more on free soloing have a watch:

Alex Honnold -- NG video of the free soloist

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True story,,,and it happened today. I live in a large apartment complex that is managed by a management company.

In my mailbox was a letter from the property managers (not the super) telling me that I owe them .09 cents :blink: . It said that my last rent cheque was short by that much, even though I have been paying the same amount since Mar. :o They also said that their "Past Due accounts are referred to XXXX Commercial Investigators Inc. :mellow: So, I took it to the super with 9 cents. The 3 of us in the office couldn't understand it all and had a good laugh. I gave him the 9 cents and he gave me a receipt for that amount. :o

Maybe I should have let them come after me. :lol:

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True story,,,and it happened today. I live in a large apartment complex that is managed by a management company.

In my mailbox was a letter from the property managers (not the super) telling me that I owe them .09 cents :blink: . It said that my last rent cheque was short by that much, even though I have been paying the same amount since Mar. :o They also said that their "Past Due accounts are referred to XXXX Commercial Investigators Inc. :mellow: So, I took it to the super with 9 cents. The 3 of us in the office couldn't understand it all and had a good laugh. I gave him the 9 cents and he gave me a receipt for that amount. :o

Maybe I should have let them come after me. :lol:

I'm still laughing at this.

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True story,,,and it happened today. I live in a large apartment complex that is managed by a management company.

In my mailbox was a letter from the property managers (not the super) telling me that I owe them .09 cents :blink: . It said that my last rent cheque was short by that much, even though I have been paying the same amount since Mar. :o They also said that their "Past Due accounts are referred to XXXX Commercial Investigators Inc. :mellow: So, I took it to the super with 9 cents. The 3 of us in the office couldn't understand it all and had a good laugh. I gave him the 9 cents and he gave me a receipt for that amount. :o

Maybe I should have let them come after me. :lol:

I can beat that story.

Years back we had a Zeller's department credit card.We thought we had a zero balance on it. Never received any monthly bills and then all of a sudden we get a collection notice about 1 year later. It was for 4 cents. I tapped a nickel onto the bill and sent it back to them requesting they send me back the change. Needless to say,,,,never got my change. :lol: :lol:

BTW,,,,cost of a stamp was just under 40 cents back then.

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I can beat that story.

Years back we had a Zeller's department credit card.We thought we had a zero balance on it. Never received any monthly bills and then all of a sudden we get a collection notice about 1 year later. It was for 4 cents. I tapped a nickel onto the bill and sent it back to them requesting they send me back the change. Needless to say,,,,never got my change. :lol: :lol:

BTW,,,,cost of a stamp was just under 40 cents back then.

:lol: :lol:

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An optimist is someone who goes after Moby Dick in a rowboat and takes the tartar sauce with him.

April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

After 15 years of marriage, Kate leaves her husband Danny. Danny lost everything to his X wife, so thinking he’s going insane he takes a little walk through the forest. As he was walking his foot hits a lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says, “I'll give u 3 wishes, BUT everything you get your wife gets two times as much.

Danny wishes for a car and his wife got two times as many cars. Then he wished for a house and his wife got two houses. Then Danny asked the genie to choke him half to death.

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