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Are You Ready For A Good Laugh?


rosalie52
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine

when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver

to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass," he asked one man?

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house", instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

"Bring them along!" said the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."

But, sir, I have a wife and six children!" he answered. "Bring them as

well! " answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says," Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is

almost a foot high!"

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Guy is going skydiving for the first time, and he's very nervous.

"Don't worry," says his Jumpmaster. "Just jump out, count to three and pull the ripcord. If there's a problem with the main parachute, pull the ripcord on your reserve parachute. And when you land, a truck will be waiting to take you back to the drop zone."

Guy takes a deep breath, jumps out of the plane, and pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.

He pulls the reserve ripcord. Dirty laundry comes out of his container.

He's falling faster and faster, and he looks at the ground and says bitterly, "Great. Just great. I bet the damned truck won't be there, either."

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An old farmer somewhere in the south had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."

Another women then asked "Then why did you come here?"

The old man answered, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

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A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,

'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,

'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,

'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.

It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,

'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,

'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

:lol: :lol:

An old farmer somewhere in the south had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."

Another women then asked "Then why did you come here?"

The old man answered, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

LOL. Good ones, Tiny Tim.

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Guest habs1952

You Just Might Be A Redneck If...

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

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He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him on the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he woke up, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called!!!"

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Lakr Tahoe, California - Bear drives Prius. A family vacationing at Lake Tahoe was awakened by the horn and watched as a bear broke into the car and got stuck trying to free itself. The bear succeeded in knocking the car into gear sending it down the driveway and into some boulders in a neighbor's lawn damaging the exterior. The bear did more damage to the interior tearing out the back seats and destroying the panel. The family actually sympathized with the bear.

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San Diego, California - Gumby attempts to rob 7-Eleven. A robber dressed in a Gumby suit attempted to rob a 7-Eleven convience store, but failed when the clerk essentially laughed him. "Gumby" went through his pockets as if trying to find his gun and instead dropped $.27 in change. When he told the clerk it was a robbery, he told the robber not to waste his time and the robber left empty handed. The clerk didn't report the incident, but his supervisor caught it on tape and called police. There is a $1000 reward out for this hapless crook.

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San Diego, California - Gumby attempts to rob 7-Eleven. A robber dressed in a Gumby suit attempted to rob a 7-Eleven convience store, but failed when the clerk essentially laughed him. "Gumby" went through his pockets as if trying to find his gun and instead dropped $.27 in change. When he told the clerk it was a robbery, he told the robber not to waste his time and the robber left empty handed. The clerk didn't report the incident, but his supervisor caught it on tape and called police. There is a $1000 reward out for this hapless crook.

:lol: :lol: I seen that. Did you see the pic, taken from store security? Hilarious. :lol:

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Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

:ph34r:

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Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

:ph34r:

kinot the man- know it all.

I-- I look better after sleep. :P :P

:lol:

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Guest habs1952

Question: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

Answer: The dog, because he’ll shut up after you let him in

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”

The friend says, “Why not?”

The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Question: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

Answer: When she starts her sentence with, “A man once told me…”

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

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Question: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

Answer: The dog, because he’ll shut up after you let him in

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”

The friend says, “Why not?”

The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Question: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

Answer: When she starts her sentence with, “A man once told me…”

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

CRB,,,M&M, Clues,,,and 911,,will get you for that. :lol:

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Question: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

Answer: The dog, because he'll shut up after you let him in

A man says to his friend, "I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months."

The friend says, "Why not?"

The man says, "I don't like to interrupt her."

Question: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

Answer: When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me…"

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn't run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer and he walked away.

:lol: :lol: very funny..........now i'm away to hide in the drinks cabinet before the backlash.......................HRF what you doing here, thought you were hiding behind the sofa!!!!! :D

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Portsmouth, Ohio - A woman frustrated over the mixup in the city's trash pickup schedule hauls two bags of trash to the mayor's office. The mayor took the trash to the local landfill. The woman had more trash than usual due to a family gathering and the failure of the city to collect it. It turns out some of the pickup routes were skipped so the city wouldn't have to pay overtime.

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Actual call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;

can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that

to telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the

number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am

traveling in Australia ?'

Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England,

do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box

told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can

you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

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Ok, I'm going to try and remember this the best I can. It's from a friend who use to work tech support, before, well, you know, before they sent all the jobs overseas.

Customer: my computer doesn't turn on anymore..

Tech: is it plugged in?

customer: I think so?

Tech: please check

Customer: yup all plugged in

Tech: good, try turning it on again

Customer: ok... Nope, nothing.

Tech: Ok sir, we're going to check all the plugs and cables. Check all the wires going from your computer to the wall, monitor, printer etc..

Customer: done

Tech: ok, try it again

Customer: still nothing, won't turn on

Tech takes a smoke break, suggests a few other things and nothing. so...

Tech: ok sir, we're going to check everything again

Customer: really, again?

Tech: yes sir again, please start with the wires and plugs

Customer: Ah man, but it's dark in here, hard to see...

Tech: well sir, put on some lights, may help you see what you're doing

Customer: I can't, we lost power

Tech: Click! Dialtone....

Customer: hello? Hello?

No word of a lie, this is a true story from a friend of mine who works in tech support. I swear people are getting dumber.

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