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If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

BEER: It's not just a breakfast cereal.

My wife's other car is a broom.

I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.

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Guest habs1952

This is for Uncivil.

An engineer and a programmer are riding on a plane. The engineer pokes the programmer, who is trying to sleep,

and asks if he wants to play a game. "It's really fun" he claims. "I ask you a question, and if you do not know

the answer, you give me $5. If you ask ME a question and I don't know the answer, I'll give you $5". The programmer

politely refuses and tries to go back to sleep.

The engineer, getting agitated, says "Ok. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer, I'll give YOU $50".

The programmer perks awake and agrees to play. The engineer asks a question the programmer

could not answer, so the programmer surrenders $5. The engineer gleefully takes the money and says 'Ok! Do me".

The programmer looks at the engineer and asks "What goes up a hill on three legs and comes down on four?" The

engineer is stumped. WiFi internet access could not even grant him the answer he needed. He sighs and gives the programmer

$50. The programmer swipes the money and pockets it. The engineer, clearly upset, asks "Well? What the hell is it?"

The programmer gives the engineer $5 and goes back to sleep.

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Haha my fav engineering joke was always this.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a Beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes wouldn't have fit anyway."

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Guest habs1952

Haha my fav engineering joke was always this.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a Beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes wouldn't have fit anyway."

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Haha my fav engineering joke was always this.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a Beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes wouldn't have fit anyway."

I could see UCE doing that. :lol: :lol:

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Whistler, British Columbia - A black raids a pizzeria and begins chowing down on some of the pizzas with spectators looking on. That episode lasted until the owner was able to clear the shop of the spectators and came on the heals of a poor berry crop. The video can be found on AOL and the Huffington Post under AOL Weird News.

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Guest habs1952

Whistler, British Columbia - A black BEAR raids a pizzeria and begins chowing down on some of the pizzas with spectators looking on. That episode lasted until the owner was able to clear the shop of the spectators and came on the heals of a poor berry crop. The video can be found on AOL and the Huffington Post under AOL Weird News.

Is that better? ;)

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other people's illnesses? Access to basic health care is a right, right? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The crowd was thunderous in its applause. The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration. Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment. As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, "Wait. I see your problem...."

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One day, a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were discussing the human body. They were trying to decide what engineering type had designed it. After several hours of discussion and careful examination, each had an answer.

Proudly, the electrical engineer announced, "Look at all those nerve endings and pathways. This proves that it must have been an electrical engineer who designed the human body."

The other two objected. Then the mechanical engineer announced, "You're wrong. Look at all those joints and muscles that make the body move. This proves that it must have been a mechanical engineer that designed the human body."

At this point, the electrical engineer began to argue with the mechanical engineer. After a few minutes, they noticed that the civil engineer was not participating in the argument. He was sitting listening to the others and smiling. They both turned to him and asked, "What are you smiling about?"

He said, "You're both wrong. It was a civil engineer who designed the human body. Who else would pass a toxic waste pipe through a recreational area?"

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Chesterton, Indiana - 59 year old woman was arrested after leaving a CVS store with Canadian Mist whiskey and a scarecrow. She had been spotted weaving in and out of traffic on a golf cart. She first told officers she only had a few drinks, then later admitted she had ten. The scarecrow was for her grandchildren and she was planning to down the whiskey by the fireplace. The golf cart was returned to her husband.

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I am currently applying for colleges and was googling good college essays when I stumbled upon this piece of gold. Enjoy.

The following was taken from an actual application for admission to NYU (New York University)

NYU Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

Gallagher 's Essay:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller 'number nine' and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

For the record, he got accepted.

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Guest habs1952

I am currently applying for colleges and was googling good college essays when I stumbled upon this piece of gold. Enjoy.

The following was taken from an actual application for admission to NYU (New York University)

NYU Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

Gallagher 's Essay:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller 'number nine' and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

For the record, he got accepted.

Brilliant.

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Is that better? ;)

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare he enrich himself through other people's illnesses? Access to basic health care is a right, right? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The crowd was thunderous in its applause. The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down! The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration. Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his equipment. As the engineer was marched up to the guillotine, he looked carefully at it, and said, "Wait. I see your problem...."

Absolutely, I didn't realize I omitted the word "bear."

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Once upon a time, there was a woman pregnant with twins. Everything was progressing normally until she got in a car accident and fell into a coma for 6 months.

After she woke up from her coma, she realized she wasn't pregnant. She quickly contacted the doctor and asked him what happened.

He said not to worry, she had her kids, one girl and one boy, and her brother came to name them.

"Oh no", she exclaimed "My brother is terrible at naming anything. What are there names?"

The doctor tells her to calm down and tells her the girl's name is Denice.

"Oh. I like that name. What is the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

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Once upon a time, there was a woman pregnant with twins. Everything was progressing normally until she got in a car accident and fell into a coma for 6 months.

After she woke up from her coma, she realized she wasn't pregnant. She quickly contacted the doctor and asked him what happened.

He said not to worry, she had her kids, one girl and one boy, and her brother came to name them.

"Oh no", she exclaimed "My brother is terrible at naming anything. What are there names?"

The doctor tells her to calm down and tells her the girl's name is Denice.

"Oh. I like that name. What is the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

Groan. :lol:

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I got this in an email.

Bad news for you!

To save the economy, on October 30, 2011 the Government will announce that they are ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Old Age Security and Medical costs.

Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!

I started crying when I thought of you...

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This is a sequence of ads placed in a newspaper. :lol:

Mon. For Sale: - W.A. Harris has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 565-0747 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. O'Hara who lives with him cheap.

Tues. NOTICE - We regret having erred in W.A. Harris's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 565-0747 and ask for Mrs. O'Hara who lives with him after 7 p.m.

Wed. NOTICE - W.A. Harris has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - W.A. Harris has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 565-0747 and ask for Mrs. O'Hara who loves with him.

Thurs. NOTICE - I, W.A. Harris, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 565-0747, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. O'Hara. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

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For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Free Puppies: Cocker Spaniel, + sneaky neighbour's dog.

Free Puppies: Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd and Father, Super Dog........ able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

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Feeling Dumb today? Take heart,,,,here are some dumb quotes from supposedly "smart" people.

Enjoy.

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

-- Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a *****, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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Guest habs1952

Feeling Dumb today? Take heart,,,,here are some dumb quotes from supposedly "smart" people.

Enjoy.

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

-- Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a *****, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

:lol: :lol: :lol: Morons!

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