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Are You Ready For A Good Laugh?


rosalie52
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The recession has hit everybody really hard...

· My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

· CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

· Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

· Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

· Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

· My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

· A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

· A picture is now only worth 200 words.

· When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

· The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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The recession has hit everybody really hard...

· My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

· CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

· Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

· Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

· Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

· My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

· A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

· A picture is now only worth 200 words.

· When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

· The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

You just kill me Kinot where do you find these things,or do you make them up yourself,they are just so funny.

GO HABS GO :lol: :lol:

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Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend and i did it seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

A Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Tax Man. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

Husbands are husbands

A husband was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the husband asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The husband then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the husband is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the husband asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse just phoned'

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You just kill me Kinot where do you find these things,or do you make them up yourself,they are just so funny.

GO HABS GO :lol: :lol:

Hey Maddie,,,I couldn't make up a joke if my life depended on it. Sometimes I get them in emails, sometimes on the net. I just pick out the ones that I feel are the funniest. :)

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259.jpeg

That vid was pretty neat Clues.

Whats the difference between a new dog and a new husband?

After a year the dog is still excited to see you

In keeping with the theme HTB,,,,,,if you put your SO and your dog in the trunk for an hour and then let them out,,,,,,which one will be the happiest to see you? :D

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