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rosalie52
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Oregon - A driver hits a deer and get arrested for possession of marijuana. A state trooper was investigating another accident when he heard the crash and saw the man drive off without checking for damage to his car. The trooper caught him 7 miles later and found 23 pounds (or is it 23 grams?) worth $57,000 in the trunk.

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Got this Email recently....

I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

Oh, and by the way......

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

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:blink: :blink:

Got this Email recently....

I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

Oh, and by the way......

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

:blink: :blink:

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HTL exactly the reason why I no longer listen to "experts" watch the Nature of Things or read the newspaper, they just ruin all the fun can't live like that,my parents didn't know all this stuff,nor theirs and they managed to live a life.

GO HABS GO :lol: :lol:

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Coos Bay, Oregon - Carjacker runs out of gas. This crook neglected to check the fuel gauge on the car before stealing it from a grocery store parking lot. He pulled into a gas station and was trying to pay cash for the purchase, but the cashier noticed the crook was in agitated state of mind and refused and called police. The carjacker, apparently relieved the cops had passed the station continued on his way, but was intercepted by the police and the chase ended when the crook crashed into a pole.

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Good ones Clues :lol:

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered,

"It old Indian Name. It mean...

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!.

smiley-scared005.gif

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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks..

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so a s not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

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Guest habs1952

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks..

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so a s not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

If my mother-in-law didn't have Alzheimer's I'd be ROTFLMAO. Instead I'm just LMAO. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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If my mother-in-law didn't have Alzheimer's I'd be ROTFLMAO. Instead I'm just LMAO. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

My sister send them to me, and sometimes it's hard deciding which ones are OK. :mellow:

SAD PASSING

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the heck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

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Guest habs1952

My sister send them to me, and sometimes it's hard deciding which ones are OK. :mellow:

I know what you mean. I've come across quite a few that are borderline but it's better not to post them. But hey....hit me with your best shot. :lol: :lol: :lol:

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