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rosalie52
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Meriden, Connecticut - Two drug dealers accidently text a police officer while trying to set up a deal for 200 Percocet pills. The quick thinking cop set up a buy the same day with two undercover officers. Between text messages, one of the dealers became suspicious and tried to drive off, but was cornered a short distance away. Both dealers were charged with attempting to sell narcotics in a school zone.

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside & said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband.

'But she's a great cook & really good with the kids.'

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…....? Very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”

I don't know what to do about my neighbour....

Drives me crazy with his weird antics...

Like the other night... Knocks on my door at 2:30 in the morning.

2:30 in the morning! Can you believe that?!?

He's lucky I was still up playing my bagpipes...

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Kalamazoo, MI- An adult man was chraged with resisting arrest among other things today. He was being chased by deputies when he turned down 7th street. Apparently, the crook wasn't local to the city, because 7th street is a dead end. When he hit the dead end, he turned around and bumrushed the police. He crashed head on with a car, totaling his car (which turned out to be his nephews) and knocking himself out in the process. Police say alcohol was not involved.

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Kalamazoo, MI- An adult man was chraged with resisting arrest among other things today. He was being chased by deputies when he turned down 7th street. Apparently, the crook wasn't local to the city, because 7th street is a dead end. When he hit the dead end, he turned around and bumrushed the police. He crashed head on with a car, totaling his car (which turned out to be his nephews) and knocking himself out in the process. Police say alcohol was not involved.

That's even worse.

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THE LAST BASTIONS OF MALE SUPREMACY

MALE VS FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are

requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card

holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake

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You looking for a fight HTL,I used to drive 60 70 thousand miles a year,and the worst drivers were always men,every man who ever rode with me said I was one of the best drivers they had ever driven with,and anyway nobody in Canada can say anything about bad drivers,they don't even know what the indicater is for,especially those in the west.

GO HABS GO :lol: :lol:

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You looking for a fight HTL,I used to drive 60 70 thousand miles a year,and the worst drivers were always men,every man who ever rode with me said I was one of the best drivers they had ever driven with,and anyway nobody in Canada can say anything about bad drivers,they don't even know what the indicater is for,especially those in the west.

GO HABS GO :lol: :lol:

Just to be clear maddie,,,,,it was a woman who sent me that one. :P

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Subject: The iPhone

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started..

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

iHurt

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Guest habs1952

Subject: The iPhone

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started..

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

iHurt

:lol: :lol:

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IF MY BODY WAS A CAR..

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather..

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

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I can really sympathise with this,but you forgot the bit about the upholstery no longer looking sleek and tight,the carpet lifting up,the roof getting thin,and the croaks and groans every time the engine starts.

Loved it HTL one of the best for a long time,but the youngsters might get get it.

GO HABS GO :lol: :lol:

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A police hunt for a suspected burglar came to a sudden and embarrassing halt in Sussex, England, when the cop in pursuit realized he was chasing himself.

According to a Daily Telegraph report based on a story that appeared in a Police Federation publication, the anonymous plainclothes officer spent 20 minutes looking for himself.

The officer was investigating an area recently hit by a series of burglaries, when the CCTV camera operator reported seeing someone "acting suspiciously" in the area.

The operator directed the cop in his search for this shady character, assuring him he was "hot on his heels."

"Every time the man darted in to another side alleyway, the PC was turning immediately into the same alleyway, but every time the CCTV operator asked what he could see there was no trace," an anonymous officer told Police magazine.

This continued for 20 minutes until a sergeant came into the CCTV control room, recognized the cop on camera, and laughed.

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A police hunt for a suspected burglar came to a sudden and embarrassing halt in Sussex, England, when the cop in pursuit realized he was chasing himself.

According to a Daily Telegraph report based on a story that appeared in a Police Federation publication, the anonymous plainclothes officer spent 20 minutes looking for himself.

The officer was investigating an area recently hit by a series of burglaries, when the CCTV camera operator reported seeing someone "acting suspiciously" in the area.

The operator directed the cop in his search for this shady character, assuring him he was "hot on his heels."

"Every time the man darted in to another side alleyway, the PC was turning immediately into the same alleyway, but every time the CCTV operator asked what he could see there was no trace," an anonymous officer told Police magazine.

This continued for 20 minutes until a sergeant came into the CCTV control room, recognized the cop on camera, and laughed.

that's funny. :lol::lol:

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At a Liverpool-Tottenheim English Premier soccer league match at Anfield Stadium, cat wanders out onto the field. Security needed about a minute to catch this four legged gate crasher and release him back onto the street. No word on which side he was rooting for. He apparently has his own Twitter account. The video can be found on the Huffington Post and maybe also YouTube. This gate crasher also was No. 4 on ESPN's Not Top Ten.

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Guest habs1952

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR..

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather..

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Man, you better hope your wife isn't looking at that new Corvette down the street. :lol: :lol:

A police hunt for a suspected burglar came to a sudden and embarrassing halt in Sussex, England, when the cop in pursuit realized he was chasing himself.

According to a Daily Telegraph report based on a story that appeared in a Police Federation publication, the anonymous plainclothes officer spent 20 minutes looking for himself.

The officer was investigating an area recently hit by a series of burglaries, when the CCTV camera operator reported seeing someone "acting suspiciously" in the area.

The operator directed the cop in his search for this shady character, assuring him he was "hot on his heels."

"Every time the man darted in to another side alleyway, the PC was turning immediately into the same alleyway, but every time the CCTV operator asked what he could see there was no trace," an anonymous officer told Police magazine.

This continued for 20 minutes until a sergeant came into the CCTV control room, recognized the cop on camera, and laughed.

Good stuff Kinot.

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London, England - A 27 year old Sicilian drug dealer on the lam for dealing and sentenced to 5 years by an Italian court poses with a wax figure President Obama at Madame Tussaud's and posts it on Facebook. This was in addition to photos of himself on London's doubledecker buses, at landmarks, and at a resteraunt where he waited tables. Needless to say, after he was captured, he was deported back to Italy where he faces more charges.

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Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two

drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.

In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would

like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two

drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to

buy you one, too..'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with

two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why

the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how

to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole

other issue.'

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