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Are You Ready For A Good Laugh?


rosalie52
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Here's an oldy but still one of my favourite Leaf jokes.. :lol:

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the

coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the Pope mobile when there was a

frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Toronto Maple Leaf jersey, was struggling

frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men

wearing Montreal Canadian jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon

into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding,

semiconscious Leaf fan from the water. Then using hockey sticks, the

three heroes in red and white beat the shark to death and hauled it into

the boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. I heard

that there was some bitter hatred between Leafs and Canadiens' fans, but

now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope, " one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and

has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he

doesn't know a thing about shark fishing... how's the bait holding up?"

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Thanks HTL you just made my day, was in need of a laugh both those were good,I do miss not having anybody to tell me jokes,when I was on the road I used to hear some some really great one but I have forgotten them all or can't put them up here.

GO HABS GO :lol: :lol:

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Clues they are just great,sooooo funny,I think you must have a wicked sense of humour,you have said that you are not very good socially,just let that sense of humour shine through,and you will be the most popular person around,it is the most valuable asset any one can have,take it from me it works.

GO CLUES GO :lol: :lol:

GO HABS GO :lol: :lol:

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BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

> These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

>

> FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

> 8 years old, Hateful little thing. Bites!

> ___________________________________________

> FREE PUPPIES

> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

> ________________________________________________

> FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

> Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

> ________________________________________________________

> JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

> Must sell washer and dryer £100.

> _____________________________________________________________

> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

> Worn once by mistake.

> Call Stephanie.

> ___________________________________________________________

> And the WINNER is...

>

> FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

> Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

> No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

___________________________________________________________

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Children Are Quick

> TEACHER: Why are you late?

> STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

> ____________________________________

> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

> __________________________________________

> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

> TEACHER: No, that's wrong

> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

> (I Love this child)

> ____________________________________________

> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

> TEACHER: What are you talking about?

> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

> __________________________________

> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

> WINNIE: Me!

> __________________________________________

> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

> GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

> _______________________________________

> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

> MILLIE: I is..

> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

> MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

> ________________________________

> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

> LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

> ______________________________________

> TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

> SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

> ______________________________

> TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

> CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

>_____________________________

> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

> HAROLD: A teacher

> __________________________________

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

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Guest habs1952

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

Man, your joke is funny but I think my joke might be a little funnier. Here it is:

The Montreal Canadiens. :D

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Bakersfield, California - A while back, a thief was caught on camera stealing the camera that was filming him. This is part of trend of thieves stealing surveillance cameras to use as security against unwanted visits by the police.

Correct me if I am wrong, but that doesn't really work,,,,does it? :o

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An American woman is selling a chicken McNugget on eBay that she says looks like George Washington.

The McNugget is three-years-old, the seller from Dakota City, N.E., said in the posting on the online auction site. She said she treated her children to a lunch at McDonald's when she discovered the nugget that looked like the first U.S. president.

"I noticed one particular nugget and began to laugh. I picked it up for a closer look, and sure enough it was in the likeness of president George Washington. I decided to take it home and show my husband this hysterical find," the seller wrote.

When she showed her husband the McNugget, "he could not believe his eyes."

The McNugget went in the freezer for safe keeping, and became a show-and-tell item when friends and family came to visit.

"We have shared many laughs over this president George Washington Chicken McNugget, but now he has been called to a higher purpose," the seller said, noting the sale of the McNugget will go to help fund a church camp in Sioux City, Iowa.

As of Thursday morning there were six bids. The highest bid was $179.49 US. The auction ends next week.

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Madison, Wisconsin - A 52 year old man walked into a Denny's restaraunt in a suit and tie, claiming to be the new general manager for the restaraunt and cooks his own cheeseburger and fries. Afterward, when the police arrived, they noticed a stun gun on his belt and several crack pipes. As he was led away, he remarked to customers, "this is why you don't dine and dance kiddies.'

The suspect was charged with fraud, possession of an electric weapon, disorderly conduct, and possession of drug paraphenalia.

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Burglars are strange sometimes. Quebec is the proud home of some of the stupidest burglars of the world. Those burglars took the time to do their laundry in the house they were robbing...They even had supper. When the owner of the house, on vacation in Dominican Republic, called home to leave a message on the answering machine, one of the burglars answered and identified himself. The guy was so drunk and stone, he forgot he wasn't in his own house. The owner called the police and the police found a bunch of clowns in underwear, partying for two days.

hahaha that's ridiculous!! where did you hear this?

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