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rosalie52
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RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

3. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

4. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

5. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

6. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

7. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

8. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

9. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

10. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

11. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

12. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

And last, but not least:

13. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

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Great ones Clues :lol: :lol:

I didn't get all the details to this one, but a 21 year old man managed to put a 19" flat screen TV, some wires, a remote control, and a can of brake fluid in his pants. Does anyone have the details?

Is this it 27?

"Feb. 25th.

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) — A 21-year-old Columbia Heights man is accused of stealing a 19-inch flat screen television from an Eagan business by stuffing it down his pants.

Eric Lee King was charged Friday with felony fifth-degree controlled substance and shoplifting, a misdemeanor.

According to the complaint, an Eagan officer saw King drop a box of candy as he walked out the store Dec. 5, 2011.

WCCO-TV reports that when he tried several times to get King's attention, King ignored him. The officer later saw the TV in his pants.

He also allegedly had a remote, power cords, a bottle of brake fluid and two Xanax pills shoved down there, too.

If convicted, King could face more than five years in prison and $11,000 in fines."

:lol:

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Great ones Clues :lol: :lol:

Is this it 27?

"Feb. 25th.

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) — A 21-year-old Columbia Heights man is accused of stealing a 19-inch flat screen television from an Eagan business by stuffing it down his pants.

Eric Lee King was charged Friday with felony fifth-degree controlled substance and shoplifting, a misdemeanor.

According to the complaint, an Eagan officer saw King drop a box of candy as he walked out the store Dec. 5, 2011.

WCCO-TV reports that when he tried several times to get King's attention, King ignored him. The officer later saw the TV in his pants.

He also allegedly had a remote, power cords, a bottle of brake fluid and two Xanax pills shoved down there, too.

If convicted, King could face more than five years in prison and $11,000 in fines."

:lol:

LOL

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The goal should really be a bottom 3 finish, not a bottom 5. A bottom 3 position guarantees a top 4 pick and a shot at one of the top four forwards, which is what we need. Anything less and we fall out of that group, .There's really no sense in pushing for a 26th place finish, which could leave us with the 6th pick overall, when we could just as easily have the 2nd or 3rd pick.

In that case...will edit my sig.....and quote you Ted ;):D

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Chamblee, Georgia - A robber returns to the scene of attampted robbery at a Wells Fargo Bank to withdraw money for cabfare. The robber had left empty handed after the teller who behind the bulletproof glass barrier turned away feeling safe. Upon returning to the bus terminal, he told the cabdriver he needed to get in car for the money to pay the fare. The driver, fearing he might leave without paying the fare, blocked him in and got the attention of an officer who didn't know about the attempted robbery. The officer convinced him it might be better to withdraw some or face serious consequences. Upon returning to the bank, he tried to make a legal withdrawal and was identified by the tellers. He was ultimately arrested, of course.

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Titusville, Florida - When a landlord attempted to evict a tenant from his home on February 15, the tenant locked himself inside. One slight problem, he was living in a mobile home and the landlord decided to have him towed. The tenant called 911 when he couldn't figure out why his trailor was moving down the highway. The trailer ended up 15 miles from the trailor park where he had been living. That's when he found out he wasn't in Oz and his dog isn't named Toto. He is now at a homeless shelter and the dog is staying at an animal shelter.

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New Mexico - A 22 year old man dined with two women at an Applebee's and left without paying his $30 bill. The biggest problem was he picked this move during a police fund raiser. During a Tip a Cop program for the New Mexico Special Olympics, local officers replaced the staff for a day and spotted our dine and dash customer. He faces charges of obtaining services of less than $100.

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Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

...

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,

'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,

'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally soils the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

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