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rosalie52
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From various police blotters.

"A man came to the Sheriff's Department to 'find out how to legally kill' a person who was harassing him."

He didn't want to break any laws or anything... "

"Caller reports hitting an intruder in the head with an axe. Notes that intruder 'was in the mirror.'"

"Looking for a trespasser, police enter a building and call out, "Marco..." Police found the suspect when he responded, "Polo"

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The Ant And The Grasshopper.

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE CANADIAN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing 'We Shall Overcome.'

Jack Layton rants in an interview that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his 'fair share'.

In response to polls, the Conservative Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.

Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, a commission of inquiry that will cost $10,000,000 is convened.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, The Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.

THE END

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7108.1

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one....a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

*

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

*

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

*

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

*

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

*

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

*

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

*

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

*

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!):

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

*

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

*

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

*

And the best one for last...

*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

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Hey kinot, great stuff. You about made me fall out of my chair with the post about the grasshopper and the airplanes. And the two classmates next to me. And the two classmates next to them.

I think that's a record...

I'm glad I could make you laugh. We need more laughs in the world. :)

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I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, “I love you.”

She said, “Is that you or the beer talking?”

I replied, “It's me talking to the beer.”

:ph34r:

A husband says to his wife,

"what would you do if I won the Lottery?"

She says,

"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,

"I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - See Ya" ]

B)

MEN IN HEAVEN

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied,

"My wife told me to stand here".

:lol:

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Ahh I have a good one, however I did have to edit a few phrases

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of

the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item

from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you

CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love pie.

The 2nd floor has wives that love pie and have money.

The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

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Some interesting facts if you decide to cross the border illegally...

If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the Iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely.

If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.

If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally you will be jailed.

If you cross the Chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again.

If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.

If you cross the Cuban Border illegally you will be thrown into a political prison to rot.

If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get:

* A job

* A drivers license

* A social security card

* Welfare

* Food Stamps

* Credit Cards

* Subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house

* Free education

* Free health care

* A lobbyist in Washington

* Billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language

* The right to carry your country's flag while you protest that you don't get enough respect

Could also apply to Canada. :(

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A woman was arrested on 6 counts of petty theft, 1 of public drunkeness, 1 of child abandonment, possession of a hypodermic needle, possession of a fraudulent cheque, 5 vehicle code violations, and 23 counts of failing to appear in court after being released on her own recognizance.

<<<<< Wait for it>>>>>>

She was released on her own recognizance.

:lol: :lol:

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Uniontown, Pennsylvania - once again, there is nothing funny about road rage, but in a dispute, the article didn't say what the issue was, two ice cream truck drivers accuse each other of running the other off the road.

Sounds like a sticky situation to try and sort out.

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Arizona:

A man walked into a local Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

:ph34r:

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Note from me,,,,,,they are called reinactors, and they are VERY good.

:blink:

AHHHHH Arizona :)

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If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends

to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and

nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts---the brainium, the borax and the

abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax

contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five

bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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A couple of military type ones...

The first is Skippy's List (it's 213 items long so I won't post here). http://skippyslist.com/list/

And

Air Force maintenance

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem:"Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem:"Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem:"DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:"Dead bugs on windshield."

Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem:"Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."

Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:"IFF inoperative."

Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem:"Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."

Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem:"Number three engine missing."

Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

And these ones are reputed to be from QANTAS.

Problem: "The problem logged by the pilot."

Solution: "The solution and action taken by the engineers."

Problem: "No.2 propeller seeping prop fluid."

Solution: "No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No 1,3 & 4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "Suspected crack in windscreen."

Solution: "Suspect you're right."

Problem: "Aircraft handles funny."

Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious."

Problem: "Target radar hums."

Solution: "Reprogrammed target radar with words."

Problem: "Mouse in cockpit."

Solution: "Cat installed"

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If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Those three are my favourites.

I love these types of things.

Here are some in picture form:

funny-exam-ans-7.jpg

funny-exam-ans-14.jpg

funny-exam-ans-15.jpg

funny-exam-ans-2.jpg

funny-exam-ans-3.jpg

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Ensley, Florida - A man fires 11 shots into a seafood market because they were out of crawfish. The man had called just before closing time only to find out crawfish were out of stock. He had called after the store's closing before firing 11 shots into the building. He is looking at 27 felony counts.

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Ensley, Florida - A man fires 11 shots into a seafood market because they were out of crawfish. The man had called just before closing time only to find out crawfish were out of stock. He had called after the store's closing before firing 11 shots into the building. He is looking at 27 felony counts.

Don't get between a man and his crawfish. :unsure:

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A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

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