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Are You Ready For A Good Laugh?


rosalie52
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Guest habs1952

-A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee". "That's a complicated order sir" said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult". The guest replied sarcastically "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says "I clocked you at 120km/h, sir". The driver says "Officer, I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating...?" Not looking up from her knitting the wife says "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control".

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did".

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth "For cryingout loud woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine". The driver says "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket".

The wife says "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving". And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks "Does your husband always talk to you this way, ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking!"

Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" said the driver.

They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light. "You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" repeated the driver.

Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a screeching stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said "Because my brother might be coming!"

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No" but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available". "Okay" said George.

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now" and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, helicopter, two fire trucks, paramedics, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?" he asked. "Nope, I only need one ball". "Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?" "This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one".

"What do you mean you can't lose it!? What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?" "No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball!"

Exasperated, the friend asks "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs. What are you going to do then?" "That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem".

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" "I found it".

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Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" said the driver.

They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light. "You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" repeated the driver.

Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a screeching stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said "Because my brother might be coming!"

Saw that but it was a Montreal cabbie.

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A California man who legally changed his name to that of "Star Wars" character Obiwan Kenobi has reportedly been arrested for alleged drug possession.

According to the Lincoln News Messenger, the man changed his name to Obiwan Kenobi in 1999 to win $1,000 in a radio contest promoting the release of "Star Wars: Episode I-The Phantom Menace."

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Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

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Only in the U.S.A.!!

I can't believe this.. ANNUAL STELLA AWARDS

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after

81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and

successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased

coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between

her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned

doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish

lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make

you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for -- 2012

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a

jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was

running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably

surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus

medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.

Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel

of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more ..

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving

a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for

Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not

get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because

the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it

shut.

Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on

a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's

insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said

the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.

We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There

are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place

in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after

being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though

the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get

as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have

been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed

over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet

gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury

ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on

a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was

on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier

during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for

their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night

club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the

floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying

to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover

charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 … oh, yeah,

plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ..

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs.

Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot

Winnebago motor home.On her first trip home from an OU football game,

having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and

calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make

herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,

crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued

Winnebago for not putting in the owners manual that she couldn't actually

leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma

jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.

Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this

suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a

motor home.

Now we know why the US economy is in a mess.

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Guest habs1952

http://youtu.be/igJnIUvEQ-A

Kangaroos on the course. Kangaroos take over Women's Australia Golf Open. It turns out this is a frequent occurence not just in golf, but on the race course as well. Being the iconic symbol in Australia that it is, drivers do everything they can to avoid hitting them.

The Roo is iconic but Australia has so many they've become a pest.

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Dacula, Georgia - A man steals a Krispy Kreme donut truck from a Quick Stop convenience at an Exxon gas and not surprisingly, it resulted in a 15 mile police chase on highway 316 and Interstate 85 in Georgia. The suspect drove into a deadend neighborhood and plowed into a mailbox and fled on foot. It didn't take police and K-9 dogs long to catch the suspect.

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The Roo is iconic but Australia has so many they've become a pest.

I think you might find that this isn't the case,there are so many disapearing because of urban sprawl,drought and pollution,that they will soon appear on the at risk list.

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One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat darn truck!"

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a virginia state trooper pulled a car over on i-64 about 2 miles south of the virginia/west virginia stateline.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler

and was on his way to beckley, wv to do a show at the shrine circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for

him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have

anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he

could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from west virginia

got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The

trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he

was doing.

The drunk replied, “you might as well haul me in to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.

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Might be Florida - A burglar called police to report his tools had been stolen. The problem was they were tools he was using during home invasions. He gave a perfect description of the tools which aroused police suspicion and it was after that the suspect admitted he had deliberately left them at the homes he was robbing.

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