Good jokes/funny stories

[H_T_L 0]

Heard a good one (within forum rules),,, please share here.

[kinot-2 0]

[kinot-2 0]

Dear CBC: Please Take Bob Cole Out Behind The Barn. A lengthly and old (2012), read, but, it's good. 

 

https://www.silversevensens.com/2012/4/13/2945855/dear-cbc-please-take-bob-cole-out-behind-the-barn

[CANADIENS27 0]

Houston - A man robs a store of cigarettes after lifting his shirt to reveal a gun.  What got him caught was his social security number was inked on his forehead.  

 

 

[CANADIENS27 0]

Grand Forks, North Dakota - A man attempts to shoplift thousands of dollars in merchandise from a Wal Mart only to immediately get stuck in the snow.  He was smart enough to ditch the stolen goods but left his wallet behind.  

 

 

[CANADIENS27 0]

 

[CANADIENS27 0]

 

[CANADIENS27 0]

Cottonwood, Arizona - A man wanted for participating in a bank theft misses appointments with detectives and refuses to take their calls.  And while on the run, our suspect applies for a job as a police dispatcher.  It was during the background check the outstanding warrant came up.  

 

 

[CANADIENS27 0]

 

[CANADIENS27 0]

Taylorsville, Utah - A bank robber makes two mistakes.  First, he leaves the keys to a stolen car on the counter and the money bag gets snagged on an object and rips open.  Some of the money went down a storm drain.  The suspect was involved in other incidents.  

 

 

[CANADIENS27 0]

Grand Island, Nebraska - After receiving reports of objects falling out of the back of a pickup truck, police caught up with suspects who were throwing large bags of marijuana away.  The bags were scattered along the road and the suspects were charged with possession of $366,000 of the weed.  

 

 

[kinot-2 0]

5 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Grand Island, Nebraska - After receiving reports of objects falling out of the back of a pickup truck, police caught up with suspects who were throwing large bags of marijuana away.  The bags were scattered along the road and the suspects were charged with possession of $366,000 of the weed.  

 

 

Throwing it away???? 

[CANADIENS27 0]

16 hours ago, kinot-2 said:

Throwing it away???? 

To put it mildly.  

 

 

[habs1952 0]

17 hours ago, kinot-2 said:

Throwing it away???? 

They musta been one toke over the line.

[kinot-2 0]

2 minutes ago, habs1952 said:

They musta been one toke over the line.

Hmmmmmm, where have I heard that one before? Oh, ya,,, on my MP3 player. 

 

 

[kinot-2 0]

Two drunks are walking home from a bar when one of them passes out cold in the street.
His friend can't wake him no matter how hard he tries so he panics and calls 911.
"Hey , you gotta send someone quick, my friend is out cold and he won't wake up!"
"OK sir, we'll send an ambulance. What is your location?"
"We're on Eucalyptus street"
"Can you spell that?"
"Er - let me drag him to Main street and I'll call ya back...."

 

 

[habs1952 0]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing" he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -a reason I've never before heard- I'll let you go". The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day, Sir" replied the trooper.

[habs1952 0]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire pay.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me".

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[habs1952 0]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read...

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 10, 2011
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[habs1952 0]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me..." he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the first bat "Because I didn't!"

[habs1952 0]

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet". She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced "These aren't my boots". She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said "They're my brother's boots. But my mum made me wear 'em today".

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked "Now, where are your mittens?" He said "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots".

[kinot-2 0]

Too many to quote, 52,,,, but good ones. 

[CANADIENS27 0]

Spring Hill, Florida - A suspect was found passed out in ATM drive through lane.  After he was roused, he tried to order a burrito.  He mistook the ATM lane for a Taco Bell drive through lane and was charged with DUI.  

 

 

[kinot-2 0]

27 minutes ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Spring Hill, Florida - A suspect was found passed out in ATM drive through lane.  After he was roused, he tried to order a burrito.  He mistook the ATM lane for a Taco Bell drive through lane and was charged with DUI.  

 

 

[CANADIENS27 0]

Fort Myers, Florida - A customer walks into a Winn-Dixie store with a winning scratch off ticket for $600.  The clerk scans it and told the customer he only won $5 and reached into her purse and handed a five dollar bill.  A slight problem arose the "customer" returned and turned out to be an undercover agent from the Lottery Commission.  The winning ticket was inside the clerk's notebook.