Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
H_T_L

Good jokes/funny stories

462 posts in this topic

I was walking along minding my own business when all of a sudden, the pavement spontaneously started viciously attacking me. Damn psycho path.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man and his wife were awakened at 3am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband "it is 3 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know".

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Recently, while I was working in the garden in my front yard, my Green voting neighbours stopped for a chat as they returned from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.

Both her parents, were standing there, so I asked her "If you were Prime Minister, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied "I would give food and houses to all the homeless people". Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that". "What do you mean?" she replied. So, I told her "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and trim the hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the local mall where that homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house".

She thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and asked "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay HIM the $50 directly?"

I smiled and said "Welcome to Canada as it SHOULD be!!"

Her parents and I don't speak much anymore.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Police officer stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.

He told the farmer "I have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now". The old timer said "Okay officer, but please don't go in that field over there". as he pointed out the location.

The cop verbally exploded saying " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me!" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.

"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish... On any land!
No questions asked! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"

The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor.

A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, habs1952 said:

A Police officer stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.

He told the farmer "I have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now". The old timer said "Okay officer, but please don't go in that field over there". as he pointed out the location.

The cop verbally exploded saying " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me!" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.

"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish... On any land!
No questions asked! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"

The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor.

A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

:4224:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Coventry, England - A convict's excuse for not meeting his probation officer.  The 10:00 A.M. meeting interrupted his sleep pattern thus he couldn't get up early enough.  Needless to say, the judge didn't accept his excuse.  

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

46742992_10156143930613517_7645025762357018624_n.jpg

46818516_10213490024351060_8615729594349125632_n.jpg

46830894_1991328371159600_4286726602378706944_n.jpg

47115835_2241504789463397_3474345774702133248_n.jpg

 

 Wile. E. Coyote VS the Roadrunner.

47433863_10217281034842005_3937584677912576000_n.jpg

47571350_305374640082659_7961523388457943040_n.jpg

Edited by kinot-2
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

44884405_2328139070536194_3803075639460757504_n.jpg

47201651_2009450732474328_489712299938938880_n.jpg

47682348_2481977398573845_8706547395082584064_n.jpg

48269126_824831174528137_5760523030610575360_n (1).jpg

48275528_784426461934785_2465998598765019136_n.jpg

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Houston - A bike riding burglar with a large stick makes a loud attempting to break in to a home.  He was then caught on video fleeing the scene being chased by a chihuahua.  

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Houston - A bike riding burglar with a large stick makes a loud attempting to break in to a home.  He was then caught on video fleeing the scene being chased by a chihuahua.  

 

 

:4224:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, kinot-2 said:

:4224:

What are you laughing at? Chihuahuas can be vicious! 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, habs1952 said:

What are you laughing at? Chihuahuas can be vicious! 

Ya, my father had one. Would let anyone come near dad. I would have thrown it under the bus.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.