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Good jokes/funny stories

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Harris County, Texas - A crook who tried to rob a fireworks stand is shot with his own gun.  After demanding cash, the robber grabbed what was laid on the counter and also laid the gun down.  The employees then grabbed the gun and used it on him.  

 

 

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4 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Harris County, Texas - A crook who tried to rob a fireworks stand is shot with his own gun.  After demanding cash, the robber grabbed what was laid on the counter and also laid the gun down.  The employees then grabbed the gun and used it on him.  

 

 

:4224:

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15 hours ago, kinot-2 said:

:4224:

Our suspect is fortunate to be alive as he was shot in the face.  

 

 

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Pasco County, Florida - An inmate got into a dispute with another inmate to the point where he wanted to eliminate him.  So he mailed a postcard to another convict at the same facility outlining his instructions.  Only problem was the guards read the postcard before delivering it.  Our suspect now has an additional charge.  

 

 

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This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife. The guy says "Sure" and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says "I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck". The guy says " I know, but she has a great personality, and she's an excellent cook".

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A blonde was touring a farm and asked the farmer "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns" began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse".

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Jimbo's wife said to him "Oh sweetheart, what did you do to deserve a woman like me?" Jimbo replies "God knows, but I won't be doing it again!"

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Just nearly talked myself out of a speeding ticket by telling the police woman she looked stunning. Then I screwed up by saying "and that's not the drink talking either".

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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door she screamed "I wish you a slow and painful death, you oaf!" "Oh" I replied "so now you want me to stay!"

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After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes" the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I believe it did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well" said the policeman very seriously "Your ball flew out onto the motorway and crashed through a driver's windscreen. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars, an Ambulance and a fire engine. The fire engine couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down and we believe all the occupants have perished in that fire. So, may I ask what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb".

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A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look" she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day" he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise". "That's amazing" the woman said. "How old are you?" "Thirty-six".

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The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years" the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes" replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven".

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Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green.

Each hit their ball anyway.

When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.

The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Dunlop number threes.

Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"

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A blonde was out shopping and came across a shiny silver thermos flask. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the till to ask what it was. The cashier said "Why, that's a thermos... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold". "Wow, said the blonde "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked? "Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" she replied. Her boss inquired "What do you have in it?" The blond replied... "Two ice creams and some coffee".

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Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow "Owww" said the presenter. "This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated John's Brothers - taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks" said Paddy.
 

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A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked "Did you kill that?" "Yes" said the pigmy. The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?" The pigmy said "I killed it with my club". "How big is your club?" asked the astonished hunter. "There are about two hundred of us" said the pigmy.

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My granddad died a few weeks after my grandma passed away. At first, we thought he died of a broken heart but it turned out he couldn't cook. 

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I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

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A man was telling his neighbour "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect". "Really" answered the neighbour "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty".
 

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I've recently been dating a homeless woman. Things are getting serious. She wants me to move out with her.

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Posted (edited)

15 hours ago, habs1952 said:


I've recently been dating a homeless woman. Things are getting serious. She wants me to move out with her.

^^^^^ :lol::lol:, All good ones, 52. 

Edited by kinot-2
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Instanbul, Turkey - After checking her luggage at the airport, a woman climbs onto the luggage conveyor belt thinking it was a shortcut to the plane.  Security personnel yanked her off before she was dumped into the bin.  

 

 

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5 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Instanbul, Turkey - After checking her luggage at the airport, a woman climbs onto the luggage conveyor belt thinking it was a shortcut to the plane.  Security personnel yanked her off before she was dumped into the bin.  

 

 

:4224:

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Tampa, Florida - A burglar picked the wrong church to break into.  He threw a brick breaking a window setting off the alarm.  He was then held at gunpoint by the minister until police arrived.  

 

 

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