Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
H_T_L

Good jokes/funny stories

1,078 posts in this topic

A duck walks into a convenience store. "Hi" he says "got any duck food?" "No" replies the clerk. "Okay" the duck says, and leaves.

Next day, the same duck walks into the same convenience store. The same clerk is there. "Hi, got any duck food?" asks the duck. "I told you yesterday, no!" the clerk says. "Okay" says the duck, and leaves.

This continues for a couple of days until finally the clerk can't take any more.

"Look" he snaps "we didn't have any duck food yesterday, we don't have any today, and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here and ask me for duck food one more time, I'm going to nail your bill to the floor!" Then he kicks the duck out of the store.

A few weeks later, the duck comes back. "Hi" he says "got any nails?" The clerk is taken aback. "No" he replies. "Great!" says the duck "Got any duck food?"

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two friends were arguing in a bar one day. Harvey, the first guy, was bragging how he knew everybody. He knew everyone, and everyone knew him. There wasn't a person that he hadn't met.

Bob, even though he was his good friend, didn't believe him. "Harvey, you can't know everyone". He said. "I bet you don't know the Mayor". Harvey said "Sure I do". He pulled out his cell phone and dialled a number. After a moment he said "Hi, this is Harvey. Could you tell my friend Bob here who you are?"

He hands the phone to Bob. The voice on the phone was unmistakably the Mayor, who said to Bob "How's my old friend Harvey treating you?" Bob was taken aback. He talked to the Mayor for a few moments before he handed the phone back.

"OK, you win that one. But I bet you don't know the President!" he challenged. Harvey smiled and dragged his friend out to the car. "We're going to DC!" he said.

A few hours later, they pull up to the White House. The security guys immediately recognised Harvey and let him through. Just then, the President came out of the front door walking his dog. Harvey leaned out the window and waved. Then, to Bob's chagrin, the President walked right over to the car and talked with Harvey for a good fifteen minutes.

Bob was starting to get a little perturbed. He figured that maybe Harvey only knew people in the US. So he said "I bet that you don't know the Pope...."

Harvey just grinned and drove to the airport. The next day, they were standing outside the Pope's residence. Harvey didn't think that he'd be able to get Bob in, since the security was so tight. But Bob agreed that if he saw the Pope and Harvey together in the Pope's window, then he would admit that Harvey knew everyone.

A short while later, Harvey walked out onto the balcony, arm in arm with the Pope. The Pope waved to the screaming crowds in the street. Harvey looked down into the crowd, trying to find Bob. To his shock he saw his friend collapsed in an unconscious heap on the ground. He quickly rushed down to see what had happened to his friend.

"Bob, Bob!" Harvey shook his friend. "Are you okay?? What happened?"

"Yeah. I'm okay". he replied. "But that was quite a shock..."

"What? When you saw me up there with the Pope?" Harvey asked.

“No,” said Bob. “When the guy next to me in the crowd said, “Hey, who’s that guy up there with Harvey?”

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Moses Lake, Washington - Two people were pumping gas.  The only problem was they were pumping it into a garbage can in the back seat.  The woman in the front seat was smoking a cigarette in the front seat and to no one's surprise ignited the car.  The male bozo fled leaving behind a large amount of marijuana in the trunk.  The woman was treated for burns and her companion is still at large.  

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When the guy next to me in the crowd said, “Hey, who’s that guy up there with Harvey?”

 "The good news is we're naming it after you".

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away..."

 

:4224::4322:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Moses Lake, Washington - Two people were pumping gas.  The only problem was they were pumping it into a garbage can in the back seat.  The woman in the front seat was smoking a cigarette in the front seat and to no one's surprise ignited the car.  The male bozo fled leaving behind a large amount of marijuana in the trunk.  The woman was treated for burns and her companion is still at large.  

 

 

^^^ Losers!!!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dorchester, Massachuesetts - A man steals a woman's purse near a school and gets $40 and her ID.  The only problem was in the scuffle with the victim, he lost his birth certificate and a note from his mother.  

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Dorchester, Massachuesetts - A man steals a woman's purse near a school and gets $40 and her ID.  The only problem was in the scuffle with the victim, he lost his birth certificate and a note from his mother.  

 

 

:4224:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

27460024_10156191348656462_2920482934411600745_n.jpg

27858016_10213648227536640_6390577737620543422_n.jpg

27972458_1615063471874011_2627099237381650810_n.jpg

28166321_2055154184762681_2856991887303093779_n.png

28279031_1615260605187631_4162946703547140675_n.jpg

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Britain - In a role reversal, police made a video of a haul of illegal cigarettes.  The video was too graphic and thieves took notice.  They cut a 3 x 2 foot hole in the wall where the cigarettes were stored and made with the entire haul.  Police were still trying to find the suspects.  

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
34 minutes ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Britain - In a role reversal, police made a video of a haul of illegal cigarettes.  The video was too graphic and thieves took notice.  They cut a 3 x 2 foot hole in the wall where the cigarettes were stored and made with the entire haul.  Police were still trying to find the suspects.  

 

 

:4224:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

27858442_1998750940167590_8419641297282066611_n.jpg

27971568_1804516519845204_576295170573211875_n.jpg

27972006_898930756982904_7396651528317455056_n.jpg

27972197_2102738656419894_7259922675297200716_n.jpg

27973635_2020400828175440_2460242512662444980_n.jpg

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:4224:at the Andy Griffith one.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

At the Olympics, a Russian female bobsledder was arrested after testing positive for a banned substance while wearing a 'I Don't Do Doping' t-shirt.  

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ferndale, Michigan - After a problem with skunks became increasingly worse, this homeowner came up the solution of throwing smoke bombs under the house.  The bombs ignited wood in the crawlspace and quickly spread.  The house was a total loss by the time firefighters arrived.  The skunks fared much better as no carcasses were found.  

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Ferndale, Michigan - After a problem with skunks became increasingly worse, this homeowner came up the solution of throwing smoke bombs under the house.  The bombs ignited wood in the crawlspace and quickly spread.  The house was a total loss by the time firefighters arrived.  The skunks fared much better as no carcasses were found.  

 

 

Gotta love Americans ingenuity. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Luzeme County, Pennsylvania - A homeowner was cooking meatballs and stepped out.  When he returned, the pot was gone.  It was found in the street, minus the meatballs.  A police search of the neighborhood found a suspicious person covered with sauce.  He was charged with burglary, criminal trespass, and theft by unlawful taking.  

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
47 minutes ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Luzeme County, Pennsylvania - A homeowner was cooking meatballs and stepped out.  When he returned, the pot was gone.  It was found in the street, minus the meatballs.  A police search of the neighborhood found a suspicious person covered with sauce.  He was charged with burglary, criminal trespass, and theft by unlawful taking.  

 

 

:4322:

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

22894271_1421721011259297_7004190315154756368_n.jpg

24900084_1552461541499177_7283819492231160014_n.jpg

27972404_1999341663428422_7298893680667360138_n.jpg

28056022_10155239547075233_7392399046249212846_n.jpg

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bonita Beach, Florida - This suspect planned to rob a 7-Eleven with his finger as a weapon, a red shirt over his face as a disguise, and a white bicycle as a getaway vehicle.  Not surprisingly, when he made his attempt, the clerk refused to hand over any money.  The robber rode away to probably plan his next heist.  

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Bonita Beach, Florida - This suspect planned to rob a 7-Eleven with his finger as a weapon, a red shirt over his face as a disguise, and a white bicycle as a getaway vehicle.  Not surprisingly, when he made his attempt, the clerk refused to hand over any money.  The robber rode away to probably plan his next heist.  

 

 

I guess his finger needed some modifications to look like a real gun. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.