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Good jokes/funny stories

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Tampa Bay, Florida - Three crooks, one a forklift driver, steal $271,000 of succulent king crab legs and were caught on security camera.  First, they used a boxcutter to slip under the unlocked door.  Next, they loaded them onto a pallett and hauled them away in a semi truck and apparently sold the merchandise.  

 

 

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Victoria, British Columbia, Canada - Police pull over a driver under suspicion of being drunk.  When asked for his driver's license, the suspect handed the officer a hamburger.  He was also too wasted to take a breathalyzer.  

 

 

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OK,,,, what's the difference between Dubai and Abu-Dhabi?

 

 

 

 

 

The people in Dubai don't like The Flinstones, but the people in Abu-dhabi do. 

:ph34r:

 

 

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14 hours ago, kinot-2 said:

OK,,,, what's the difference between Dubai and Abu-Dhabi?

 

 

 

 

 

The people in Dubai don't like The Flinstones, but the people in Abu-dhabi do. 

:ph34r:

 

 

I laughed but you need to get out for a walk to get some fresh air!!!

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2 hours ago, habs1952 said:

I laughed but you need to get out for a walk to get some fresh air!!!

I did take the garbage down to the dumpster, does that count? :frech1:

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On 4/22/2020 at 3:45 PM, kinot-2 said:

I did take the garbage down to the dumpster, does that count? :frech1:

Wouldn't surprise me if you rode your motorcycle. 

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There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied "Nope. "As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled "I thought you said your dog didn't bite! "The old man muttered "Aint my dog".

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Paddy says to Murphy "Have u seen the news? 3 cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!" "Unbelievable" said Murphy "I can't believe they all had the same name!"

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One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place". "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So, they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So, this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you".

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A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favourite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

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A husband and wife were having problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalise their breakup. The judge asked the husband "What had brought you to this point where you are unable to keep this marriage together?" The husband replied "In the six weeks we have been together, we have not been able to agree on a single thing". "Seven weeks!" the wife said.

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The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning". "Thank you very much, sir".

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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said "No, wait! I can change".

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Australia has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions. They suggested that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following equipment: shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including hat and gloves, 24-hour food pack, de-icer, rock salt, flashlight with spare batteries, road flares or reflective triangles, a full petrol can, first aid kit and booster cables. Well... I sure looked like an idiot getting on the bus this morning.
 

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground". I yelled "Now, back off or I'll kick the daylights out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago".

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A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s". The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

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While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to the two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?" asked the guard. "Sand " said the cyclist. "Get them off. We'll take a look" said the guard. The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. A week later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for seven months, until one day the cyclist with the bags failed to appear. A few days later the guard just so happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say dude, you sure had us crazy" said the guard". We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word but you got to tell me what it is you were smuggling?" "Bicycles" said the cyclist!

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5:00 AM". He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up".

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Two blondes went out deer hunting and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pickup truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier". So, the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground". "Yeah, he was" said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our car!"

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A 15-year-old boy comes home with a Porsche. His parents began to yell and scream. "Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them "I bought it today".

"With what money?" Demanded his parents. "We know how much a Porsche costs!"

"Well" said the boy "this one cost me fifteen dollars".

The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?" they demaded.

"It was the lady up the street" said the boy "don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars".

"Oh my goodness!" Gasped the mother "she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on".

So, the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.

"Well" she said "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did".

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Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". "How much do you charge"? "Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it" I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having"? he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A barman cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car".


"Oh, is that so"? he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!"

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1 hour ago, habs1952 said:

Wouldn't surprise me if you rode your motorcycle. 

Sold my MC last Sept.

Your jokes are hilarious. :4224:

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Hamburg, Louisiana - A 51 year old man didn't get his stimulus check.  He then gets into an argument with his mother and goes outside and burns down the she-shed.  

 

 

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Posted (edited)

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92245782_10218141003849624_4858939146695081984_n.jpg

91706784_10215398188738799_3440409859411935232_o.jpg

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Edited by kinot-2
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