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Good jokes/funny stories

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^^^^^LOL

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Australia - An astrophysicist comes up with the idea to use a magnetic bracelet to prevent him from touching his nose.  He placed the magnets inside his nostrils and had to be taken to the hospital to have the magnets removed.  He now says he is through with magnets.  

 

 

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Palm Coast, Florida - While investigating reports of drug trafficking in a neighborhood, police arrive at a crook's house.  Before knocking on the door, they noticed a not so welcome mat that said 'Come Back With a Warrant."  Police complied and now the suspect is charged with possession of fentanyl and drug paraphernalia.  

 

 

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2 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Palm Coast, Florida - While investigating reports of drug trafficking in a neighborhood, police arrive at a crook's house.  Before knocking on the door, they noticed a not so welcome mat that said 'Come Back With a Warrant."  Police complied and now the suspect is charged with possession of fentanyl and drug paraphernalia.  

 

 

:4224:

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Italy - A bozo's excuse for ignoring the lockdown in that country - he was going out for some wine and that is essential.  

 

 

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15 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Italy - A bozo's excuse for ignoring the lockdown in that country - he was going out for some wine and that is essential.  

 

 

:4224:

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Jefferson County, Colorado - While making a deposit at a bank drive thru, this customer included two bags of cocaine.  Busted.  

 

 

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Spain - While a newscaster was working from home, a half dressed woman appeared in the background.  And it was not the celebrity girlfriend he has been dating.  

 

 

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Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications..

 

 

 

I'll show myself out now. 

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The other day, I was tryin' to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

 

 

 

I'm with the guy above. :ph34r:

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Back in the day, we used to say "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 10 foot pole.", but here we are. YW :lol:

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12 hours ago, kinot-2 said:

Back in the day, we used to say "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 10 foot pole.", but here we are. YW :lol:

LOL.....I see it didn't take long to find your way back. 

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4 hours ago, habs1952 said:

LOL.....I see it didn't take long to find your way back. 

Pretty hard not to, when I'm not going anywhere. :P

 

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5 hours ago, habs1952 said:

LOL.....I see it didn't take long to find your way back. 

 

1 hour ago, kinot-2 said:

Pretty hard not to, when I'm not going anywhere. :P

 

Besides, I just went into the kitchen and back. :P

 

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Segwick County, Kansas - Hours after being released from jail for robbing a cell phone store, woman is found wandering between the second and third floors of the county courthouse munching on Girl Scout cookies.  Police got the call at 3:00 A.M. and found our suspect.  She'll have all time for Girl Scout cookies.  

 

 

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Atlanta - A woman gets into an accident and a news crew arrives.  The victim takes offs with the news van with the reporter inside and crashes the van.  No one was hurt and the victim is now charged with kidnapping with more charges to follow.  

 

 

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Modesto, California - A driver following a semi truck flashes his headlights at the truck driver.  Thinking he had a mechanical problem, the semi driver pulled over.  The car driver who was in his underwear, leaps and hangs on to the side of the truck which had wine and positioned himself on the rear.  He then opened the valve and drank from the streaming wine.  Police were called and the drunk suspect was taken into custody.  1000 gallons of red wine ended up on the highway.  

 

 

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Oakland County, Michigan - Late at night, police got a call of an unusual vehicle on the highway.  Police found a man driving a front end loader and since there was no construction, the suspect got taken into custody.  He could not offer an explanation for why he had stolen the loader from a work site.  

 

 

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Biker joke.

While riding my motorcycle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess.

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^^^^LOL

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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry" the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog". "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him". But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died" the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog". "Well" the boy replied "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him". "Oh, what was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle".

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Two labourers were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working all day furiously without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick".

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IF DONALD TRUMP HAD CAPTAINED THE TITANIC...
There is no iceberg.
It's a little iceberg.
We won't hit an iceberg.
I knew it was an iceberg before anyone else knew.
No one knows icebergs better than I do.
The penguins brought the iceberg here.
No one could have predicted the iceberg.
We cannot allow an iceberg to stop our ship.
The crew is spreading fake news about icebergs.
Some of you have to drown.
Maybe we can try disinfecting the iceberg.
I am the best captain, ask anyone.

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The doctor finished performing a battery of costly tests and got the results. "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Cassidy" he said "you have approximately six months to live". "But I don't have insurance, doctor" said Cassidy "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay for those tests in that time!" "All right, all right" said the doctor. "Let's say nine months, then".

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A wife reports: "My husband was not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring so he could monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead".

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