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Good jokes/funny stories

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A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. Replied the gentleman "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I've always been looking for the perfect girl". "Oh, come on now" said the friend "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry and fit the bill?" "Yes, there was one girl once. She was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me". "Well, why didn't you marry her" asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man" he said.

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Just seen a massive fight in the toilet roll aisle at my local supermarket with approximately 20 people involved. The good news is no one was injured badly just some soft tissue damage.

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A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor "Doc, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things". "Well" the doctor replied "Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping up some chicken and says "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies "For the fourth time, chicken!"

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Last week, my next door neighbour asked me: "Seeing as our houses are the same design... can I ask how many rolls of wall paper you bought to decorate the living room?" "Thirteen" I said. Today, he came round looking angry: "I've got three rolls left over!!!" "So did I!" I said.

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I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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I got in a load of trouble at the farm with my German boss recently. Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs

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A social worker from a big city recently transferred to the sticks and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep" came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in" said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here" said the kid. "But" protested the social worker "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here" said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale. I said "No way, centipedes don't talk". The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said "Alright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub. The next evening, I thought I'd give it another try so I went to its tank again and said "Slright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner. The following evening, I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked "Alright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" The centipede replied "I heard you the first time. I'm just putting my shoes on!"
 

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Scientist are doing an experiment on the human brain to see how much someone can function without certain parts. They remove half the brain and ask the subject to count to ten. He counts "One, three, five, seven, nine". Fascinated, they put it back and remove the other half, then ask him to count to ten again. He counts "Two, four, six, eight, ten". Finally, they remove the entire brain and ask him to count to ten one more time. He says "I can count to ten, I'm the best with numbers, I have the best numbers, the news, they say I can't count, that's wrong, they're wrong, I think, people, when they think about good numbers, I can count, with any numbers, all the time, better than China, better than anyone..."

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A lawyer is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over. The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it's going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!" The lawyer is incensed and says "How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I'm under!" The cop says "Well, you're so concerned about your beamer, you didn't notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow". The lawyer looks down and screams "Damn! My Rolex!"

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Yspilanti, Michigan - Police got a call about a disturbance at Sunoco convenience store.  There had been an armed robbery two days earlier by four men in masks.  When they arrived, they found four men in masks thinking they might be back for more.  When police ran a check, they found they were four different individuals.  One, however, was found with a concealed weapon.  Another was in possession of drugs and a third had an outstanding warrant.  So they were arrested.  

 

 

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Louisa, Virginia - Because of a possible shortage of masks, these crooks rob a convenience store wearing hollowed out watermelons.  They were able to cut eye holes and fit the melons over their heads.  Security cameras were able to catch the getaway vehicle.  They are under arrest.  

 

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Barstow, California - Carjacker steals Tesla car only to find out the owner has a mobile that disables the vehicle.  Our suspect found himself locked inside and could find the manual lock button.  He was still trying to free himself when the police arrived.  

 

 

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On 2020-05-20 at 8:06 AM, CANADIENS27 said:

Barstow, California - Carjacker steals Tesla car only to find out the owner has a mobile that disables the vehicle.  Our suspect found himself locked inside and could find the manual lock button.  He was still trying to free himself when the police arrived.  

 

 

:4224:

 

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Kitty Hawk, North Carolina - A man was found with methamphetamine, marijuana, and some pills after being seen acting strangely.  He then said the pants he was wearing weren't his.  Next time, he should check the pockets of the pants he wants to wear.  

 

 

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San Diego - A man breaks into a Wells Fargo bank at 3:30 A.M. to use the microwave oven.  When caught eating his "Hot Pockets" meal, the suspect said it was worth it and was arrested.  

 

 

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Oklahoma - A man up on felony drug charges got probation when his name turned out to be "Bend Over."  

 

 

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The Prime Minister, with his press entourage, was visiting a western Indigenous town. He asked the local elders what he could do for them. "Mister Prime Minster, we have two big needs" replied the lead elder. "Firstly... they built us a nice new hospital, but there's no doctor". On hearing this, the PM's main man whipped out his phone. After speaking animatedly for a while, he turned his phone off, dropped it into his pocket and nodded to the PM. "Sorted! Now, what's your second problem?" "No mobile phone coverage..."
 

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Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.

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A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".

The woman below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude".

"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.

"I am" replied the woman "How did you know?"

"Well" answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip".

The woman below responded "You must be a politician"

"I am" replied the balloonist "but how did you know?"

"Well" said the woman "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

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An overweight time traveler visits ancient Rome and quickly realizes he's wearing historically incorrect clothes for the period. He visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk "Do you have XL togas?" Clerk: "Well, yes. But why do you need so many?"

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating one Mars Bar after another. After watching him knock back 10, an old man sitting on the bench opposite said "Son, you know eating all those Mars Bars isn't good for you. It'll give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat". "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old" answered Johnny. "Oh, did he eat lots of Mars Bars?" asked the old man. "No" replied Little Johnny "he minded his own business".

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It's been a really strange day. First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

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 One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only one's present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him". So, the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

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A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.' The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Doc say's .... Denise.' 'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?' 'Denephew.'

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