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Good jokes/funny stories

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I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist. I rushed outside yelling "Let me through, let me through". A man at the front said "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor"? I said "No, that's my pizza"

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A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said "Someone might steal from it at night". So, they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then management said "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So, they created a planning department and hired two people - one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then management said "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So, they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then management said "How are all these people going to get paid?" So, they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer and hired two more people to fill them.

Then management said "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So, they created an administrative section and hired three people - an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then management said "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $318,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs".

So, they laid off the night watchman.

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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars" he answered "because I want to donate it to M.I.T".

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family" he explained "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research".

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear "Three million dollars".

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars".

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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over to administer a breathalyser test.

To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken".

"I doubt it" said the man proudly "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

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Posted (edited)

Montepulciano, Italy - Cocaine dealers realized the police may be on to them so they need a place to hide their stash.  They decided the countryside was as good a place as any.  A problem was feral hogs dug up the stash and scattered all over.  Police overheard the wiretapped crooks complaining about it.  They're busted.  

 

 

 

 

Edited by CANADIENS27
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Elkhart County, Indiana - A driver leads state troopers on a 25 mile chase at a speed of 120 MPH in a 70 mile zone.  Troopers were finally able to throw stop sticks in the driver's path.  The driver then said he just thought cops just wanted to race.  He is also charged with resisting police, reckless driving, and several moving violations.  

 

 

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On 6/12/2020 at 7:36 AM, CANADIENS27 said:

Elkhart County, Indiana - A driver leads state troopers on a 25 mile chase at a speed of 120 MPH in a 70 mile zone.  Troopers were finally able to throw stop sticks in the driver's path.  The driver then said he just thought cops just wanted to race.  He is also charged with resisting police, reckless driving, and several moving violations.  

 

 

:4224:

 

 

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^^^^^:4224:

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Florida -  A suspect was pulled over and was found with two open containers and several convictions on various charges.  He gave the police the name Michael Corlione.  When police couldn't find the name in the system, the suspect was given a fingerprint test and his real name was found.  

 

 

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King Salmon, Alaska - A suspect who was tired of the corona virus lockdown used a two by four to smash the window of the fire department.  He then took the fire truck through the unopened bay doors and turned on the emergency lights.  His destination was the local bar.  He was arrested shortly after arrival.  He is charged with burglary, criminal mischief, vehicle theft, and violation of several conditions of a previous arrest.  

 

 

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Richland, Washington - A man wanted by the police chats up the police on Facebook telling them his whereabouts and that he would be turning himself in 48 hours aftr the chat session.  He ended that chapter by posting a selfie.  

 

 

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Boone County, Kentucky - A suspect barricades himself in his house for several hours and after negotiations with police, he was coaxed out.  What brought this on was he was intoxicated and challenged his son to an arm wrestling contest and lost several times.  

 

 

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^^^^^^:4224:

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Huntsville, Alabama - A burglar breaks into a restaurant to steal cash.  A problem was he became drunk on the booze to the point that he forgot why he was there.  He left everything behind was caught on security camera.  Police are waiting for someone to identify the suspect.  

 

 

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Japan - A man comes up with this way to meet women.  He would slash their tires and drive up to them offering to help them out.  He made the mistake of trying it on the same woman twice and she knew something was up.  The suspect had been arrested twice before and his attorney admitted he had done it over 1000 times.  All without a successful date.  

 

 

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109842743_164983701816243_7099826026096795233_n.jpg

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109285921_3979393575424759_841813834590832406_o.jpg

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32 minutes ago, kinot-2 said:

109285921_3979393575424759_841813834590832406_o.jpg

You need a PVR so you can skip the commercials!

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17 hours ago, habs1952 said:

You need a PVR so you can skip the commercials!

Maybe I wanted to know what Bigfoot's name was. :rolleyes:

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6 hours ago, kinot-2 said:

Maybe I wanted to know what Bigfoot's name was. :rolleyes:

Maybe NOT!!!!

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Mulberry, Florida - Two women attempt to steal electronics, including a 65" television, out the front door instead of paying.  When confronted by security, the other crook swipes the smaller items and fled with her accomplice leaving the big screen TV behind.  Their pictures were on security camera and police are hoping to make an arrest soon.  

 

 

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Long Island, New York - A crook facing charges of theft of a Lexus and grand theft of a truck flees the state.  He has someone tell his lawyer he died and his fiance present a death certificate.  The phony certificate was supposedly issued by the New Jersey Department of Health, Vital Statistics and Registry.  Someone noticed the word Registry was misspelled as Regsitry.  Our suspect is now facing four years upon conviction.  

 

 

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Lincoln, Nebraska - Police find a man passed out behind the wheel of his car at an intersection passed out at 2:30 A.M.  They found cocaine in the driver's lap.  

 

 

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