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Good jokes/funny stories

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Lincoln, Nebraska - Burglary suspect attacked a 56 year old for his jewelry.  Later, he was arrested for burglary.  His name:  Rodney "Trouble" Phillips.  

 

 

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Edited by kinot-2
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^^^LOL

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Peoria, Arizona - Two suspects fleeing police fail to notice a building with a fenced in backyard saying "Peoria Police."  Suspect no. 1 jumps over the fence and into an area where police were training.  Suspect no. 2 tried to hide under a bench.  

 

 

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^^^ LOL

 

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Lincoln, Nebraska - A driver had been pulled for a traffic stop when the officer noticed a plastic sour cream container saying "Not Weed" on it.  Upon further inspection, 11.4 grams of - you guessed was found.  

 

 

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4 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Lincoln, Nebraska - A driver had been pulled for a traffic stop when the officer noticed a plastic sour cream container saying "Not Weed" on it.  Upon further inspection, 11.4 grams of - you guessed was found.  

 

 

Dandelions?

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3 hours ago, habs1952 said:

Dandelions?

No,,, dandelions are weeds. :P

 

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Hartford, Connecticut - A twist on a familiar occurrence.  A man charged with auto theft drives to court in a stolen white Subaru.  After parking the stolen vehicle, police made a routine check and a hit came up on the car.  After leaving court, the suspect was promptly arrested.  

 

 

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Gainesville, Florida - A motorist came to the scene of an accident police were investigating.  He blasted his horn at the officers who came over to speak to him.  That's when they noticed marijuana smoke coming out of the window.  An inspection of the vehicle yielded a handgun, a loaded magazine, $10,000 in cash, 5 mason jars of marijuana, several other weapons, 100 grams of cocaine, and a baseball bat.  Needless to say, he was promptly arrested.  

 

 

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An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone. "Honey" she says in a worried voice "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that" he replies "There are hundreds of them!"

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In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and Ice Cream. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too... with sprinkles". And lo and behold, they gained 10 pounds.

And so God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad". And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol sharply increased.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said "It is good". And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and created the public health system.

 

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18 hours ago, habs1952 said:

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and Ice Cream. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too... with sprinkles". And lo and behold, they gained 10 pounds.

And so God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad". And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol sharply increased.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said "It is good". And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and created the public health system.

 

:4224::4224::4224:

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Another busy night at Stonehenge, as workers work all night to move the stones forward by an hour.

nxFWLpn.jpg

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^^^LOLOLOL

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Austin, Texas - This car thief attempted to steal a Chevy Volt only to be unable to figure out the car's electric controls.  The suspect was still trying when a bystander with a machete kept the him at bay until police arrived.  

 

 

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1 hour ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Austin, Texas - This car thief attempted to steal a Chevy Volt only to be unable to figure out the car's electric controls.  The suspect was still trying when a bystander with a machete kept the him at bay until police arrived.  

 

 

:4224:

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nhl--montreal_canadiens_1963-64.gif

Everyone else is laughing at us.

Edited by habs1952
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