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Good jokes/funny stories


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St. Cloud, Minnesota - A man steals a car outside of a WalMart and then calls the owner when he couldn't restart the car.  The owner had used an auto starter and found the car gone.  An hour later, he got a from a man claiming to be an employee at a glass repair shop need instructions on restarting the car.  Police later arrived at the scene of a suspicious person and found the suspect and the stolen car.  

 

 

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Shanghai - Two thieves attempt to break into a shop armed with bricks.  The first threw his brick at the shop window only to find the glass was too strong and the brick bounced off.  The second thief made his attempt only to have suspect number 1 step in front at exactly the wrong moment.  He was struck in the face and knocked out cold.  Security camera showed the second suspect dragging his companion out of range to revive him.  There was no further word on that suspect's condition.  

 

 

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2 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Shanghai - Two thieves attempt to break into a shop armed with bricks.  The first threw his brick at the shop window only to find the glass was too strong and the brick bounced off.  The second thief made his attempt only to have suspect number 1 step in front at exactly the wrong moment.  He was struck in the face and knocked out cold.  Security camera showed the second suspect dragging his companion out of range to revive him.  There was no further word on that suspect's condition.  

 

 

:4224:

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A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said "You're beautiful". Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute". The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was now "cute". She asked "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied "The drugs are wearing off".

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Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us".

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away" suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea". They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognised him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again".

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away..."

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Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do" said the Doctor "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response".

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens".

Then in a normal tone he asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats "Peg, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So now he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what's for dinner?"

"For heaven's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

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