Jump to content
The Official Site of the Montréal Canadiens
Canadiens de Montreal

Good jokes/funny stories


Recommended Posts

Here are 12 things to consider as we get closer to closing the door on one of the most horrible years of our lifetime:

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house & told my dogs. We laughed a lot.

6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.

12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.

Here’s hoping for a Happier New Year!

Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, kinot-2 said:

Here are 12 things to consider as we get closer to closing the door on one of the most horrible years of our lifetime:

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house & told my dogs. We laughed a lot.

6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.

12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.

Here’s hoping for a Happier New Year!

:4224:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Brampton, Ontario - A porch pirate stakes out a house and steals a package which the homeowner taped.  When confronted by the homeowner, the thief tried to back out of the driveway only to get stuck in a snowbank.  The crook failed and the homeowner called the cops who made the arrest.  

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

A similar incident took place in Edmonton.  The crooks followed a delivery truck and stole a package off the front porch and then got stuck in the snow.  The homeowner and neighbor came to their aid not knowing they were thieves.  The homeowner then noticed his package in the back seat and confronted the thief who bearsprayed the homeowner and drove off leaving his female companion behind.  He was arrested as was his cohort who is now cooperating with authorities.  

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Toronto - How do two thieves try to steal meat from a supermarket?  They came up with the brilliant idea of carting it off in a giant suitcase and hiring an Uber driver as a getaway vehicle.  

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Quebec - In an attempt to get around a curfew due to corona virus regulations, this couple came up with the idea of the wife walking her husband on a leash.  The claim being that she was out walking her dog as an acceptable reason to be out after curfew.  

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Quebec - In an attempt to get around a curfew due to corona virus regulations, this couple came up with the idea of the wife walking her husband on a leash.  The claim being that she was out walking her dog as an acceptable reason to be out after curfew.  

 

 

Really, that sucks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Funabashi, Japan  - A thief had been stealing toilets from houses under construction.  Over a period of three months, 18 had had been taken.  The thief then made the mistake of selling one to a second hand dealer who reported the sale to police.  They traced him with a receipt and dubbed him " the god of toilets." 

 

  

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Allentown, Pennsylvania - Why does a woman try to steal an ambulance?  She had robbed a gas station of two packs of cigarettes and four packs of Mentos.  She didn't have a getaway vehicle and then spotted an ambulance across the street and couldn't figure out how to get it started.  She was still struggle with the ambulance when police arrived with guns drawn.  She then apparently tried to show the cops the Mentos.  

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...