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A Hockey Carol

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Every hockey fan up north liked hockey a lot,

But Gary Bettman, who liked basketball, did not.

Bettman hated hockey, all its traditions

No one knows why he took such positions

He sat in his office, his teeth slowly grating,

"I must find some way to keep players from skating!"

And then Bettman got an idea in his head

A way to make hockey fans shiver with dread

"I'll become the commissioner" said the old ****head

"And make people want to watch basketball instead."

So he took half the season, in his second year

Which made all of hockey fans shed many tears

He took their divisions, their Smythe, and their Norris,

He ignored their complaints "The Devils, they bore us!"

He expanded the league into odd southern cities

Atlanta and Raleigh, where the ice was quite ****ty

And he put glowing pucks on the fans TV sets

And then Gary Bettman took Winnipeg's Jets

Then he took a whole season, 04 and 05

And so the TV ratings took quite a dive.

"And now for my next trick," said the big douche

"I'll design hockey jerseys that will make the fans puke!"

And the fans cried in anguish at the new Reebok sweaters

"A retarded two year old could have done better!"

So Bettman sat in New York, feeling quite pleased

"I'm bringing the hockey fans down to their knees!"

And he heard a small sound as he was watching the Knicks

The sound of a hockey puck hitting a stick.

He ran to his window and looked down below

And he saw the ice surface plowed in the snow

The hockey fans everywhere still came to play,

Ignoring the NHL's ridiculous ways.

They played on their ponds, on their frozen back yards

They wore vintage sweaters, of original six stars

And Bettman was pissed, as he saw they still played

Even after the debacle he'd made

"They play without Reebok, they play without glow pucks,

They play without Thrashers, Panthers or Ducks!"

And Bettman then had a brief moment of doubt

Maybe hockey, perhaps, doesn't belong down south.

And what happened then, some old-timers say,

Bettman's small brain exploded that day.

And the hockey fans cheered for they knew they were saved

And they all started cheering, "Hip hip! Hooray!"

And Leafs fans and Habs fans, the Rangers and Bruins

Started building the league back up from its ruins.

Merry Christmas to hockey, and all of its fans

And may the story I just told (please) be in God's plans

For we hockey fans are Patient, Loyal and True

But please God, take Bettman! What more can we do?!?

All apologies for language, and to Theodor Geisel.

Geoff White

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