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Are You Ready For A Good Laugh?


rosalie52

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Guest habs1952

I remember when I was out on the road,driving home at 1 am after doing a promotion night,in the middle of nowhere,no lights just trees all around but there was something in the road ahead of me,I thought it was deer but as I got closer I realised it was young cows.So I stopped and tried to chase them off the road,they wouldn't budge,I looked around for a farmhouse,no light couldn't see a thing,all I see see was a lane,so I started walking up the lane,just mud and stones I had on high heels and a tight skirt,at last I could see the outline of a building so I went there and knocked on the door.

Some one yelled out the window asking what I wanted,I told them about the cows she said she would phone the farmer.I went back to my car and there were even more cows there,I had to wait for about 10 minutes for the farmer to get there,but he needed help to move them so there I am in high heels and a tight skirt herding cows at 2 am,tired out after a very long day,but it was very funny.

GO HABS GO :lol::lol:

Sounds like you should be keeping a pair of cowboy boots in your car. :lol: :lol:

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San Diego - A parolee with a 22 page rap sheet boards a plane without a ticket. He was spotted by a witness wandering out of firedoor and out onto the tarmac. He also dropped off a dufflebag to a flight attendant, boarded the plane and took a seat. He became easy to spot since he was looking disheveled and supicious. He is now back in jail and looking at two counts of trespassing.

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An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they didn't like each other.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared him.

They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

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The Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

*****

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you, she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

*****

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,,,, he insisted, i want to die in peace.

I had an affair with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work

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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

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An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."

"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too! Let's have a drink to good old Saint Mary's!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

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