Are You Ready For A Good Laugh?

[hatethosebruins]

I was looking at the Mars landing pics,,,and I would guess that Mars is alot like Sask. 'cept that Mars has gravel, and you have wheat. :lol:

You mean flat empty and only has that one blue alien rambling about a "banhammer"

[Guest]

You mean flat empty and only has that one blue alien rambling about a "banhammer"

[kinot-1]

[CANADIENS27]

Citra, Florida - A 68 year old man has been arrested for the fifth time for DUI on a lawnmower. It's ridiculous especially when he makes his living mowing lawns. He told officers he bought an 18 pack of Natural Ice beer because he was depressed and it was hot outside. He had an open can in a cup holder.

[CANADIENS27]

http://youtu.be/ii9bHfYA-Zs

ESPN Not Top Ten 8/10/12

[CANADIENS27]

Charleroi, Pennsylvania - A man steals a bag of marijuana because he couldn't resist the aroma. What's even dumber was he took the weed while an officer was logging it into evidence. It was after he was confronted by officers that admitted this goofup.

[CANADIENS27]

Curitiba, Brazil - Two inmates attempted to escape from jail disguised as the noontime trash that was to be taken out. Unfortunately for them, they didn't count on a prison guard noticing the bags were"breathing." Prison authorities are still working on how they sealed the bags from inside.

[kinot-1]

Curitiba, Brazil - Two inmates attempted to escape from jail disguised as the noontime trash that was to be taken out. Unfortunately for them, they didn't count on a prison guard noticing the bags were"breathing." Prison authorities are still working on how they sealed the bags from inside.

They should have left them in the sun for a while.

Casper, Wyoming

David James Palmer was detained and searched in front of Kelly Walsh High School after his suspicious behaviour garnered the attention of a passing police officer. Palmer, a 16-year-old drop-out, did his best to talk his way out of the situation, but when the officer found an ounce of marijuana divided into several smaller bags that made it obvious that Palmer had been dealing the drug in a school zone, he uttered the absolutely most ridiculously perfect sentence any Stupid Criminal Drug Dealer could ever say: "It's not mine. I'm selling it!"

[kinot-1]

I belong to an motorcicycle forum, and one of the threads there is called "Things said at a gas station"

Here are a few of them. I realize this is a tad long, but some are just priceless. These are from different bikers

"yall rode that ther murdersicle all the here way from Canader??

dint ya get cole??"

I pull in to gas up with my dog on my bike.

Harley fella pulls in, girl friend that has always lived in a wheeled home on back........Looks me, my bike and my dog over......Says "Your girlfriend is ugly"........HIS girlfriend thinks this is hilarious.........I say "At least he has a full set of teeth". Harley guy laughs, female companion, not so much.

"Is that your bike?"

- while I'm standing there in a padded jacket putting gas in the tank.

One guy years ago said "get a harley than you can lean back and relax

while you ride".

I said "if you relax while you ride, you will be dead quickly.

I have a LA-Z-BOY at home to relax in."

were at a camp ground waiting to start the ride.

The guy in the Cadillac asked us where we were from.

I tell him Connecticut....he asks..."wheres that? Canada?"

At a gas Station in WV a couple of weeks ago...me in full gear

Minivan Driver - "How's the weather on Mars?"

Me - "Actually it's better than here,

but the political unrest that we are having is disturbing..."

Wow, nice bike you have there!

My wife won't let me have one.

Answer: Time to get a new wife.

They usually walk away.

Young attractive female: "Nice bike!"

Me: (while sucking in my gut and trying to be all suave and debenaire)

"Well, thank you!...thank you very much!"

Young attractive female: "Does it come in a man's style?"

I get the "why don't you ride a Harley?" thing fairly frequently at work.

I have started replying that I tried to but the dealer refused to sell me one

because I'm not old or fat enough to qualify for HD ownership.

I gas up, park, go in for a drink, and a group of Harleys pull up around my

Ducati as I'm standing on the gas station porch.

One of the Harley riders comes up, looks at my bike in the middle of 10-12 Harleys

and says;

"Man, that thing looks tiny with all those real bikes around it!"

Me: "Yeah, kinda like a gazelle in the middle of a herd of hippos."

Me coming in out of the the rain...

Them: "Still coming down?"

Me: "Yup. I'll letcha know when it starts going back up."

Him: ¨I own a Harley¨ with a condescending sneer.

Me: That´s nothing to be ashamed of.

Several years ago I was sitting on the curb beside my bike at a gas station in Texas. I was taking a break on my cross country trip and was eating a sandwich.

I was in my leathers and my helmet was beside me.

A guy pulled up in a beatup pickup, got out, looked at my bike then looked at me and asked: "That your bike?"

I replied: "It will be, if I can get a few more miles down the road with out getting caught."

His reply: "Well alright!"

While pumping gas...

panhandler walks up... "Can you spare a few bucks for gas...

My pregnant ol' lady is back at the car all by herself..."

Looking at the guy I ask where is his gas can... I'll put some in it...

After grinding a few gears thinking he says: "The ol' lady has it..."

RiiiIIIiiiIIIiight...

I turned into a gas station and pulled through to the front pump.

Women in a suburban who followed me in, gets out of the car

and asks me to move outta the way so she can gas up.

I look at the island she is parked at,

then at the other 2 unused islands she could have used,

said No to her and continued to fill up with gas.

Watched when I left the station, she pulled ahead to use the pump

I had just left. The other 3 islands were still empty.

[CANADIENS27]

Atlanta - A man drives drunk on a bulldozer and crashes into concrete curbing at 2:00 A.M. causing $10,000 in damage.

[CANADIENS27]

ESPN Not Top Ten 8/17/12. Anyone get the feeling the Dodgers are going to be looking for a new shortstop?

[kinot-1]

From various tourist information bureaus across Canada.

The most unusual questions tourists have asked at information bureaus across the country.

**From Tourism Toronto, a toll free info and reservations line

Why do French Canadians have a different accent from other Canadians?

How do I apply for the Canadian Express Card?

What's this Boxing Day in Toronto, do you box on that day?

I heard about that new law and I'd like to find out... uh, my girlfriend would like to know the best places to go topless in Toronto.

Caller: How far is Boston from Toronto?

Counselor: About 900 kilometers, or 565 miles.

Caller: So if I drive using miles, it won't take me as long to get there? Is that what you're saying?

Can I take the subway to Vancouver?

Good afternoon, I'm entertaining some executives, and would like to know where they can ride llamas.

What information do you have on Italy?

**From Check-ln Nova Scotia, the province's toll-free information and reservations number

Do you have automatic bank machines up there?

Are you connected to Greenland?

Can you tell me about the ferry from Halifax to Europe?

Does Nova Scotia have a dress code?

** From Alberta's Banff/Lake Louise tourist bureau

"That's such a lovely flag," said a tourist admiring the Canadian flag. 'Does it come in many colors?"

Visitor: How far is it to Lake Louise?

Staff member: 40 miles

Visitor: How long is the trail?

Staff member: Five kilometers.

Visitor: What's that in English?

At which elevation do the elk change to moose?

Can you book us baseball tickets at the SkyDome tonight? We're driving to Toronto this afternoon.

** From the information kiosk at Niagara Falls, Ontario

Is the water coming over the falls real?

What time do you turn on the rainbow?

Are the CN Tower and SkyDome within walking distance?

From a tourist who was admiring the falls at night, when they're lit up with various colored lights: What kind of dye do they put in the water to make it change color like that?

How can I parachute over the falls?

I have to be at this address in Vancouver for dinner at 5 o'clock this evening. How much time should I allow myself to drive there?

Why do you Canadians have fireworks tonight? The 4th of July is still a few days away.

Which way do we walk to get to Montreal? We'd like to go there for lunch.

[CANADIENS27]

Holmes Beach, Florida - A bridesmaid gets arrested for drunken driving and then posting it on Facebook. She was arrested after telling the officer "I'm done and I don't want to look like a fool." She also blamed the incident on her bridesmaid status.

[kinot-1]

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

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You get repossessed.

[Guest]

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

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You get repossessed.

Cute.

[CANADIENS27]

http://youtu.be/7DK6wpSAexc

ESPN Not Top Ten 8/3/12. No.10 is the same Louisville manager who melted down in 2006 over a stolen base call (I may have the wrong team). No.7 is London mayor Boris Johnson getting stuck on a wire during the Olympics.

[CANADIENS27]

http://youtu.be/92jIrqAe8xY

Towson muffs a Kent State punt and Andre Parker attempts to advance the ball, but by rule, a muffed punt cannot be advanced. Parker compounds this by attempting advance the kick the wrong way which would have resulted in a safety. What's even dumber is Towson chases him and eventually tackles him.

[Guest habs1952]

Just read about Kinot's experience in Arizona and Mexico in the Random Chat thread. :lol: Funny but at the same time I feel bad about his experience.

[CANADIENS27]

ESPN Not Top Ten 8/31/12

[CANADIENS27]

Hobbs, New Mexico - An inmate escapes from jail using a razor blade and a Popsicle stick to break a window, which took five months to accomplish. He then fashioned a fake window using these devices. Once outside, he somehow changed his mind and returned to his second story cell using a bedsheet. He was moved to a maximum security section of the prison.

[kinot-1]

Hobbs, New Mexico - An inmate escapes from jail using a razor blade and a Popsicle stick to break a window, which took five months to accomplish. He then fashioned a fake window using these devices. Once outside, he somehow changed his mind and returned to his second story cell using a bedsheet. He was moved to a maximum security section of the prison.

:lol:

[CANADIENS27]

:lol:

The article said it was an escape MacGiver would have loved.

[CANADIENS27]

Lewiston, Idaho - A man accidently texts a narcotics officer asking if he anyone looking for drugs to buy, in this case, mnethamphetamines. After determining it was not a joke, the officer arranged the meeting and made the arrest.

[kinot-1]

Lewiston, Idaho - A man accidently texts a narcotics officer asking if he anyone looking for drugs to buy, in this case, mnethamphetamines. After determining it was not a joke, the officer arranged the meeting and made the arrest.

Stupidity knows no bounds.

DEMENTIA QUIZ

FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE

THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST,

THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE

SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.

NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,

BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS

YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:

IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?

(SCROLL DOWN)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....

WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:

VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:

THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.

DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.

TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.

ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.

NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

&nb sp;

DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!

TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT... MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???

2. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.

HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,

I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO

REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.

BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE

SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.

NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A

PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE

HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...

DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??

IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

[Guest archey]

uhm.......

if one is racing around a track...as we did in the basement in highschool where we had a 1/10 mile of asphalt in that smelly oval.....one can actually overtake the last person.

don't mean to rain on anyone's parade or anything...