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Are You Ready For A Good Laugh?


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Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Alabama . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Dakota . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Wyoming . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

Sven was out for a morning walk when he saw a sign in Oli's yard that said:
Boat For Sale
Sven knocked on his friend Oli's door and said:
"Good morning Oli.
I see the sign on your lawn that says "Boat For Sale". But you don't have a boat Oli. All you have is a tractor, and a plow."

"That's right." Oli explained. "And they boat for sale."

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near!" "Turn yourself around now before its too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!",yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think,said one clergy to the other," we should just put up a sign that says bridge out instead?

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a beautifull woman , my wife appears out of nowhere"

Store Manager: I saw you arguing with that customer who just left. I told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me? Salesclerk: Yes, sir. The customer is always right. Store Manager: That's better. Now what were you arguing with the customer about? Salesclerk: Well, sir, he said you were an idiot.

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That was such an odd goal, I heard about it before seeing it and couldn't figure out how he could score when there was a delayed penalty.

Was clear after seeing the replay, kind of like Cam Wards goal last season (or was it this season?).

Poor Muller, looks completely demoralized.

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That was such an odd goal, I heard about it before seeing it and couldn't figure out how he could score when there was a delayed penalty.

Was clear after seeing the replay, kind of like Cam Wards goal last season (or was it this season?).

Poor Muller, looks completely demoralized.

The same thing happened to the Habs more than a few years ago. The ruins had a delayed PP coming and they pulled their goalie. It was deep in our end, and they sent the puck back and scored on themselves. Our goalie didn't get credit tho. Probably about 15 years ago, or so.

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Police say a mother who came to pick up her son after he was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving found herself charged with the same offence.
Police say it started when an officer pulled over a speeding vehicle in Innisfil, Ont., just before 1 a.m. Sunday.

Investigators say the driver, a 27-year-old Newmarket, Ont., man failed a roadside screening test and was taken to a police station north of Toronto, where he was charged with impaired driving.
Police say when his 53-year-old mother came to retrieve him a few hours later, the same officer smelled alcohol and made her take a breathalyzer test.

They say she failed the test and has been charged with impaired driving.

Both have had their vehicles impounded and licences suspended for 90 days. They are due in court next month.

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Weymouth, Massachusetts - Many people make a to do list for the day. This suspect decided to put on his list - find crystal meth, sell drugs, get coke, break into someone's house and do a good deed for a stranger. Too bad he forgot to put getting arrested by police for breaking and entering. He was spotted going from door to door carrying a bag. When confronted by neighbors, he said he was conducting a marijuana dispensary. When police arrived, the suspect had knocked on another door and stole diabetic supplies from a UPS package and attempted a breakin.

The suspect also had a nightstick, tools, and jewelry allegedly stolen from his mother. He is also facing larceny over $250, receiving stolen property and carrying a dangerous weapon.

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The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...

Ees... a ham bush."
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What kind of car did God drive?

He drove a Plymouth,,,,after all, it says right in the Bible "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."


The nativity scene.
A visitor from the North was driving through the South. At the edge of a small town there was a nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One feature puzzled the traveler. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Stopping at a coffee shop nearby he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She said , “Why, honey, it’s raht here in the Bible.”
Pulling her Bible from behind the counter she ruffled through some pages, and finally pointed her finger to a passage.
“See, it says right here, "The three wise man came from afar."
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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