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Are You Ready For A Good Laugh?


rosalie52
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Good ones Clues :lol:

A man owned a small potato farm in Shubenacadie, Nova Scotia. An agent

from the Workman's Compensation Board dropped by on a routine check to see

if he was paying proper wages to his hired hands. "I need a list of your

employees and how much you pay them," said the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "There's a man who's been with me here for 3

years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the

cook. She's been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus

free room and board."

"Finally there's a half-wit who works 18 hours every day and does about

90% of all the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own

room and board, and I buy him a bottle of scotch every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me." replied the farmer.

:)

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Misheard lyrics

Artist: AC/DC

Song: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Real lyric: Dirty deeds done dirt cheap

THE MISHEARD:

Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep

Dirty Deeds and the Thunder Chief!

Dirty jeans in a jungle jeep

Flirting bees, and the dandruff cheese

Dirty cheese, dungeon deep

Artist: Queen

Song: Bohemian Rhapsody

Real lyric: Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango

THE MISHEARD:

Scallaboosh, Scallaboosh, will you do the banned tango

Scare a moose, scare a moose, will you do my fan Van Gogh

Real lyric: Spare him his life from this monstrosity

THE MISHEARD:

Spending his life in this monster city

Spare his life from this one saucy deed

Spare him his life from his mum's sausages

Artist: Queen

Song: Killer Queen

Real lyric: She's a Killer Queen, qunpowder, gelatine

THE MISHEARD:

She's a Killer Queen, gunpowder, cheddar cheese

She's a Killer Queen, Not bad at Jeopardy

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Misheard lyrics

Artist: AC/DC

Song: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

Real lyric: Dirty deeds done dirt cheap

THE MISHEARD:

Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep

Dirty Deeds and the Thunder Chief!

Dirty jeans in a jungle jeep

Flirting bees, and the dandruff cheese

Dirty cheese, dungeon deep

Artist: Queen

Song: Bohemian Rhapsody

Real lyric: Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango

THE MISHEARD:

Scallaboosh, Scallaboosh, will you do the banned tango

Scare a moose, scare a moose, will you do my fan Van Gogh

Real lyric: Spare him his life from this monstrosity

THE MISHEARD:

Spending his life in this monster city

Spare his life from this one saucy deed

Spare him his life from his mum's sausages

Artist: Queen

Song: Killer Queen

Real lyric: She's a Killer Queen, qunpowder, gelatine

THE MISHEARD:

She's a Killer Queen, gunpowder, cheddar cheese

She's a Killer Queen, Not bad at Jeopardy

Flirting bees, and the dandruff cheese, Scare a moose, scare a moose from his mum's sausages

She's a Killer Queen, I lost on Jeopardy

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No.5 on ESPN's Top Ten plays yesterday. In a soccer game, a player manuevers around the defense and scores. Either that or he passed to a player who score. The announcer got a little out of control, yelling GOAL repeatedly. ESPN cut off the video, though one reporter counted eight times. Anyone who can find the video and has speakers on his computer should get a good laugh out of this one.

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Things people have said in a courtroom:

"Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"-someone trying to defend their own case

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"

Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."

Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"

Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"

Witness: "Yes."

Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"

Witness: "I forget."

Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."

Witness: "That's me."

Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"

Witness: "Borofkin."

Lawyer: "What's his first name?"

Witness: "I can't remember."

Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"

Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"

Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."

Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"

Witness: "Picking them up in the air."

Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"

Witness: "Attached to the ears."

Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"

Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"

Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."

Lawyer: "It was covered?"

Witness: "Yes, bandaged."

Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"

Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"

Witness: "The victim lived."

The bolded ones are my favorites.

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While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a

Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was

struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and

bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to

stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that

was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd

surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help

those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's

Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4 pm, both have drowned, and neither authority

has responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

:lol:

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A correction - the other beer incident was No.2 on the Not Top Ten plays. That flying bat apparently knocked a jumbo sized beer out of the spectator's hand.

WOW the batter must have really thrown it. :unsure:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, So she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, And as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

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The Miami Herald runs a full page shortly before Game 6 of the NBA Finals congratulating the Miami Heat on their NBA title. Unfortunately for the Herald, Dallas won the title in six games when the Heat choked away a second quarter lead. Talk about a monumental screwup, it landed at No. 1 on ESPN's Not Top Ten plays.

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This kid needs brains.

1. He goes 140 mph on the freeway.

2. He films himself going that fast.

3. There were strong (50 mph) crosswinds, putting branches on the freeway.

4. He doesn't notice the police officer.

5. He tells the police officer he was filming himself speeding (wanted to post it on YouTube).

6. This is his 3rd ticket for speeding within the year.

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Cop Comments::::

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your Bail."

THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

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It is 2 a.m. and raining. A stong knock on the front door so the husband gets up and goes to the door. A drunk was standing there and said "I need a push". The husband replies "No Way" and goes back to bed. The wife asked "Who was that". So, the husband told her. She replied "Well, are you going to give him the push"? "No, its 2 am and raining cats and dogs". "Dear Hubby, you do recall when that nice man helped us last month when we were stranded. Now is pay back time". So, the husband goes back to the froht door and says, "OK, I'll give you a push. Hey its dark out here. Where are you"? The drunk replies "Here I am. Over here in the swing".

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