Jokes/Funny Stories

[habs1952]

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train". Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a $10M cheque saying "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a brand-new train too".

[habs1952]

A city boy, Jimmy, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news - the donkey died". Jimmy replied. "Well then, just give me my money back". The farmer said "Can't do that. I went and spent it already". Jimmy said "Okay then, just unload the donkey". The farmer asked "What you gonna do with him?" Jimmy: "I'm going to raffle him off". Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Jimmy: "Sure l can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead".

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked "What happened with that dead donkey?" Jimmy: "I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars each and made a profit of $998.00".
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two bucks back".

[habs1952]

You meet a nice lady at a party, but how can you tell if she's a vegan? Give her a minute... she'll tell you!

[habs1952]

I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception "Hi, this is room 26. Can I have a wake-up call please?" Desk clerk: "Certainly Sir! You're in your mid-30s, single, live with your mother, and you've achieved nothing in life!"
--

[habs1952]

A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23-year-old beauty? "Simple" grins the millionaire "I faked my age". His friends are really amazed and ask him by how much? He said. "Well" he replied. "I said I was 87!"

[habs1952]

One evening after dinner, my nine-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him "Mummy is at a Tupperware party". This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked "What's a Tupperware party, dad?" I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son" I said "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other". He nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, dad" he said. "What is it really?"

[habs1952]

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time" muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this". "Err, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning" the neighbour began. "Gee, I'm awfully sorry" said Robinson with a smug look "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day". "In that case" said the neighbour "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

[habs1952]

The physician was taking her four-year old daughter to pre-school. The doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's - can I take your order?"

[habs1952]

You're playing in the golf club championship tournament finals and the match is halved at the end of 17 holes.

You have the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match".

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!"

The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheater's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

[habs1952]

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbours realised that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep.

Since the force of these thunderous slams was enough to wake up almost everyone around him, and this was a family complex no less, the neighbours decided to go to his house and confront him about this one morning.

"Mr. General Sir, thank you for your service to our country, and we welcome you to our apartment complex". "Thank you"

"Sir, we realise that serving the country for so long can really take a toll on someone, and we want you to enjoy your retirement..." "Okay?"

"But, sir, can you please, kindly, not slam your boots down in the middle of the night once you return home on the weekends? It's waking us and our kids up". "Oh! I didn't know that. I am sorry for waking all of you up like that, how stupid of me, it won't happy again". "Thank you so much, sir"

The next weekend the General returns home drunk and sits on his bed. He removes his left boot and slams it on the floor. He removes his right boot and- "Wait a minute... this is what they were talking about, isn't it?" he says to himself in his drunken stupor. He gently places the right boot next to the left one and goes to bed.

An hour or so later the General wakes up to the sounds of the doorbell ringing continuously and heavy knocking on his door. He gets up, waddles over to the door and opens it to find a group of his neighbours standing outside in their nightclothes.

"SIR! Can you please just slam the other boot already so we can all get some sleep!!?"

[habs1952]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from the one and only London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.

Irish cop says "License and registration, please".

London Lawyer says "What for?" Irish cop says "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign".

London Lawyer says "I slowed down, and no one was coming". Irish cop says "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please".

London Lawyer says "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket".

Irish cop says "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir".

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down?!"

[habs1952]

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he alright?" "He must be" said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday".

[habs1952]

Got dragged along to a club with the wife. There was a guy on the dance floor going mental, twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the lot. He was the centre of attention. My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down". I said "Yeah? I see he's still celebrating!"

[habs1952]

The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man looked at the priest and said calmly "Well, she's there".
 

[habs1952]

Two men crash a plane on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

After their terrible ordeal one of the men walks all over the entire island and comes to the conclusion that there is no food or fresh water. He goes back to where his friend is to explain their predicament.

"I've searched this entire island and haven't found any food or water, we're going to die!"

The other man says "don't worry, I make $100,000 a week, we'll be fine".

"Yes, but don't you see, there's nothing to eat and without water we're doomed!"

"Like I said, I make a hundred grand each week. Don't worry, we'll be home in a day or two"

"Why in God's name do you keep saying that! How the heck is your money going to help us way out here?"

As the other guy sits there leaning back against the smashed plane he says with a smile "Every Sunday at church I put my tithe of 10% from the $100,000 in the offering plate like the good book instructs. My minister will find me".

[habs1952]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am" the officer replies "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers".

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time". the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119".

[habs1952]

The engineer fumed "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him". He said "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!".

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight".

The doctor said "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them".

The engineer said "Why can't they play at night?"

[CANADIENS27]

 

[CANADIENS27]

 

[kinot-2]

^^^^ Hilarious, 52. 

 

 

[habs1952]

^^^LOL

[CANADIENS27]

 

[CANADIENS27]

 

[kinot-2]

[habs1952]

^^^