Jump to content
The Official Site of the Montréal Canadiens
Canadiens de Montreal

Jokes/Funny Stories


H_T_L
 Share

Recommended Posts

HOW MORAL ARE YOU?
This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate... well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest. Here we go...

THE SITUATION:

You are in Palm Beach, Florida with chaos all around you caused by a hurricane. There is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life trying not to be taken down with the debris.

Your move closer. Somehow the man looks like... Good Heavens* It's Donald Trump! The raging waters are about to take him under forever!

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the last minutes of one of the world's most powerful men hell-bent on the destruction of the USA.

THE QUESTION (remember, please give an honest answer):

Would you:

1. Select high-contrast colour film;

2. Go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Three insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about their companies' speed of service. The first said "When one of our policyholders died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife so quickly that she received the cheque by Thursday morning". The second said "When one of our insured died on Monday, we were able to hand-deliver a cheque to his widow the same evening". The third said "That's nothing. Our office is on the eighteenth floor. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the seventy-third floor, slipped and fell on Monday. We handed him his cheque as he passed our floor!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drink corrodes your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... there is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us and most of us have had it, or will have it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said "Wedding Cake".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news" the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings". "That's wonderful" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather who lived in a very secluded, rural area.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied "They're as clean as cold water can get em! Just you go ahead and finish your meal, sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg.

"Are you sure these plates are clean?" enquired John. Without looking up the old man said "I told you before, sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them! Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A plane is on its way to London, when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to a vacant seat in first class.

The flight attendant watches her doing this, asks to see her ticket, and tells her that she paid for economy and must return to her booked seat.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to London, and this seat is free so I'm staying right here!"

The attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the co-pilot about the blonde bimbo with an economy ticket sitting in first class and refusing to return to economy.

The co-pilot approaches the blonde to tell her she paid for economy and therefore has no right to sit in first class.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to London, and this seat is free so I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot, and suggests they should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest the blonde who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I speak blonde, I'm married to one".

He goes over to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She gets flustered and says "Oh I'm so sorry" gets up and returns back to economy.

The attendant and co-pilot are amazed, and ask the pilot what he said to her that made her move without a fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to London".

Link to comment
Share on other sites


Bought a nice pair of tortoise shell shoes on Friday. Only just got home.

 

 

Scotland plays Ukraine next week in a World Cup playoff match. Virtually the whole of Europe will be without a doubt supporting the country that has suffered so much torment and heartache at the hands of an immoral leader and will be hoping for a decent win that would bring the much-needed lift to a desperate population. On the other hand, I'm sure there will be a few who'd prefer a Ukraine win.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday. "Impossible" I said "I didn't even know it was your birthday".

 

 

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in an expensive suit, Gucci shoes, Gucci sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Surface Pro, pairs it to his iPhone, surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution and then exports the data to his AWS account.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports the image for processing using facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves".

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves" says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says "Okay, sure why not?"

"You're a senator in the government?" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct" says the yuppie "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep... now give me back my dog".

Link to comment
Share on other sites


Wife: "Look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits!" Husband: "For God's sake woman, it's a scarf!"

 

A man was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the life imprisonment. His brother found out that an Irish man was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Irish man that he would be paid £10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the Irish man's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the £10,000. The Irish man replied "It wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him off".

Link to comment
Share on other sites


I found a wallet yesterday, and was tossing up whether I should hand it in. Then I thought "Well, if I lost MY wallet with three hundred and fifty dollars in it, how would I feel?" And I realised that it was a no brainer and that I would want to be taught a lesson.

 

 


A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father "How does this boat float?" The father replied "Don't rightly know son". A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again, the father replied "Don't rightly know son". A little later the boy asked his father "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son". Finally, the boy asked his father "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'".

Link to comment
Share on other sites


There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish ice fishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win... they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

 

 


My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with horse racing. I'm looking out the window at them now... and they're off...

Link to comment
Share on other sites


I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning. Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He immediately woke up and said "Thank you". "No problem". I smiled. He looked at me again and said "It's empty". I said "I know, it's meant to be a chimney".

 

 


I ran into an old friend from school today who immediately starting bragging about his wonderful life. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend". He said "Why? is she good looking?" I said "No, she's an optician".

Link to comment
Share on other sites


A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant "He came in for some cough syrup" the assistant" explains. "But I couldn't find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead". "WHAT!?" the chemist says, horrified. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" "Of course you can" the assistant declares. "Look at him - he's too scared to cough!"

 

 


A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife; a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam" he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400". "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord" he sobbed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


Two golfers are about to play the 11th hole on the golf course, when one of the golfers stops as a funeral cortège passes by on a nearby road. The first golfer doffs his cap and bows his head as the funeral passes by. The second golfer says "that was a good mark of respect that you did there" The first golfer replies "Well is only right, I was married to her for 35 years".

 

 


Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they had shot six deer. "The plane won't carry six deer, you'll have to leave two of them" said the pilot, trying to be friendly. Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said "We got six on this plane last year". The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after take-off the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said "Any idea where we are?" The second hunter said "Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings. The boy leaves and the girl's mom remarks "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy". "Oh, come on, mum! If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?"

 

 


I've been working with a cannibal tribe in Papua New Guinea for a while, and I've recently persuaded them to go vegan. They love 'em.

 

 


Three college graduates met in McDonald's, and the engineering major said "Did you see the new wind turbines going up on the east side of town? They had asked our class to run some stress studies during windstorms as an exercise". "Yes" the geology graduate said "They also contacted us, about the bedrock depth for foundations". The Liberal Arts major turned to him and said "Do you want fries with that?"
 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...