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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you". "That wasn't my daddy" said the boy "he just walked up, took me by the hand and said 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

 

 

For the first time in many years, an old man travelled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents". "Well, sir" the attendant replied with a grin "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.".

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I was in the pub a few months ago when these four huge dudes started mouthing off. "Pretend we're the police" my mate said. I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the daylights out of us!

 

 


A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us and most of us have had it, or will have it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said "Wedding Cake".

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When the office photocopies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service. The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100, if he did the work. Pleasantly surprised by his candour, the office manager asks "Does your boss know you are discouraging business?" "Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers". "After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs".

 

 


Grandma flies to a wedding. Unfortunately, the airline loses her luggage, including her dentures. When she arrives her granddaughter's fiancé says "Not to worry, my uncle Steve has a briefcase full of dentures". Grandma has her doubts but sure enough Steve shows up in a nice three-piece suit, and a briefcase full of dentures. The first ones she tried were too loose, and the second were too wide. Finally, the third pair fit perfectly. Grandma says "Thank you so much, you must be a very successful dentist!" Steve looks confused and replies "You're very welcome, but I'm a mortician".

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Anyone who says that onions are the only vegetable to make you cry has obviously never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.

 

 


There is a new dog in the house. Sally, she's an 8-week-old German Shepherd. I bought Sally as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home. She is 55-years-old, an attractive and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a clean house.

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A friend invited me over for coffee, and said "While you're here, I wonder if you can identify this tree, I have in my garden?". I took a peek out of the window and said "Sure, it's a dogwood". "But how can you be so sure?" they said. " I can tell by the bark"

 

 


A man, when he died, wanted to be buried with all his money.

He decided to trust a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a doctor, and a third to his lawyer to bury it with him when he died.

After his death, at the man's funeral, the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funeral the lawyer asked what the priest whispered. The priest, with tears in his eyes, said that he had to confess he spent some of the money on an orphanage so that some hungry kids would not starve and that he feels bad for what he had done, but that he had no choice.

The doctor then admits that he too had to let him know that one of his patients needed a surgery that he alone could not do, that he spent some of the money to save the person's life.

The lawyer looks at them with scorn and says "How could you? You have betrayed a man's last request!" The doctor and priest look at the lawyer and asks "So your bag had all the money he entrusted you with?" "Damn right" he replies "I wrote the cheque for the full amount, not a penny less!"

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My daughter just got a job at McDonald's. When she got home from work and was in tears, she said it was so stressful and a customer was mean to her today. She said he yelled at her and was so angry, she's never seen someone so furious before. Now I'm a grown man so I think it can be a good thing if the world chews on you a little so you learn to toughen up. But at the same time, I'm her father so I embrace her lovingly and say "Next time, don't forget my fries then".

 


An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida.

At the crossing they were stopped by an overzealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions.

The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.

OFFICER: "Where are you going?"
HUSBAND: "We're on vacation and going to Florida".

WIFE: "What did he say? What did he say?"
HUSBAND: "He wants to know where we're going".

OFFICER: "How long will you be gone?"
HUSBAND: "About one month".

WIFE: "What did he say? What did he say?"
HUSBAND: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone".

OFFICER: "Where are you from?"
HUSBAND: "We're from Toronto, Ontario".
OFFICER: "Toronto, huh? I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst romantic experience in my life".

WIFE: "What did he say? What did he say?"
HUSBAND: "He says he knows you!"

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked "Why are some of your hairs white, mum?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white". The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said "Mumma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 


Two Irishman apply for a job on a building site.

The foreman calls the first one into his office for an interview and straight away, the Irishman notices he looks rather funny. The foreman does not have ears where they are supposed to be, instead, protruding from his forehead is a gigantic ear, and just under his chin is the other one!

The foreman requests the Irishman to take his seat and then asks him "Do you notice anything funny about me?" to which the Irishman replies "Yes! you've got this great ear right there, and another one over there" pointing frantically and holding back his laughter.

The foreman, feeling greatly offended, screams at the Irishman to leave immediately "Get out! Now!" he cries!

Upon leaving, the second Irishman waiting in the reception asks the first how it all went.

"Not too great!" replied the first Irishman "I'll give you a little tip though... don't mention the size of his ears - he gets a bit funny about that!"

The second Irishman is then called into the office for an interview with the foreman and immediately realises what the first Irishman was talking about!

Composing himself, he calmly takes his seat and begins the interview. Again, the foreman asks the second Irishman "Do you notice anything funny about me?" "N-no..." stutters the second Irishman "I can't see a problem at all" "Look closer" replies the foreman...

The second Irishman then leans in really close to the foreman, looking intently at the deformities on his face and trying his hardest not to feel grossed out.

After a few minutes, the Irishman calmly retreats back into his seat and responds "Ah!, you're wearing contact lenses!" "How did you know that!" asked the foreman. "Well, with the state of them ears, you couldn't get a pair of glasses to fit that face of yours!" claims the Irishman.

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An old Italian man lived alone in the country.

It was spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie.

The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologised to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

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A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed".

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no" the vendor tells the cop "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I promise to refund your $20". "Alright" says the cop. "But, if this doesn't work, I'm shutting you down!"

He hands over a $20 note, takes the seed, chews it up, and waits for it to kick in.

After a few moments, he says "You know, even if you're not lying, I could have bought a whole bag of your apples and had enough seeds to last me months". "Ah, yes!" says the vendor. "It's working already!"

 

 


This boxer was having trouble sleeping. He goes to the doctor. Doctor asks "Have you tried counting sheep?". Boxer replies "Yes I have doctor. But every time I get to the count of eight, I stand up".

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On his way home from work a man noticed his tyres were going flat. So he nipped into his local petrol station to inflate the tyres. After he'd done that the lady forecourt attendant asked for $2. "What's that for? It seems a lot just to put some air in the tyres". "Well that's inflation for you" she replied.

 

 


A blonde is at a magical staircase that's 100 steps high. At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can't go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier. The first joke comes and the blonde is stoic. Second. Third. Not even a smile. She gets to the 99th step and before the step even tells the joke she bursts out laughing. "Why are you laughing, I haven't even told the joke!" "The blonde wiped away tears of laughter and replied "I just got the first one".

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Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.

Norma said "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their 'thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I always received a lovely `thank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them".

Sonia said "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you' notes. I too send them a very generous cheque. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit".

"Wow" remarked Norma. "I wish mine would do that". "You can, Norma, you can".

"How?" Norma asked. "Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the cheque".
 

 


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running!"

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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 80 kilometres per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice...

"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce".

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 100 kilometres.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it" he says "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, Nina, and she's a far better lover than you are".

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 120.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house" he says insistently..

Up to 140.

"I want the car, too" he continues.

160 kilometres.

"And" he says "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need" she says. "Oh, really" he inquires "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at close to 180 kilometres an hour, the wife turns to him and smiles "The airbag".
 

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After a few years of marriage my wife said to me "Why don't you treat me like you used to do before we were married, when we were just going out together?" So the very next night I took her to the cinema, then on to a smart restaurant for a great meal and then I dropped her off at her parents!

 


Two friends, Sam and Terry, are spending the day together. As they are walking home down an empty street, they find themselves at gunpoint with a mugger asking for their wallets. As they take out their wallets Sam says "One sec" He takes a 20 out of his wallet and gives it to Terry. "Here's the 20 I owe you".

 

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
 

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I found it really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend. Every time I told her I couldn't see her any more, she moved a bit closer and said "How about now, is that any better?"

 


A wife announced to a group of her friends that she had made her husband what he is today - a millionaire. Intrigued, one of her friends asked what he was before she met him? She replied "A billionaire".

 

 

When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

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A married couple on a tight budget were shopping in a supermarket.

The husband picks up a crate of beer and places it in their shopping trolley. The wife remonstrates "Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items - not luxuries such as beer costing $50".

A little later while walking through the cosmetics aisle, the wife picks up a beauty cream with a price tag of $100 and places it in the trolley. The husband complains "I thought we were on a tight budget, buying only essential items...?" The wife responds "This item is essential; it makes me look beautiful". "Well" says the husband "the beer also makes you look beautiful and its half the price of the cream".

 

 


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

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