Jokes/Funny Stories

[CANADIENS27]

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma - Three former inmates have filed civil rights violations against two former jailers alleging torture events.  The former inmates allege mental and physical abuse for being forced to listen to the song "Baby Shark" on a loop over and over again.  A jury trial is set for February.  

 

 

[kinot-2]

15 hours ago, CANADIENS27 said:

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma - Three former inmates have filed civil rights violations against two former jailers alleging torture events.  The former inmates allege mental and physical abuse for being forced to listen to the song "Baby Shark" on a loop over and over again.  A jury trial is set for February.  

 

 

Idjits. 

 

[CANADIENS27]

 

[CANADIENS27]

New York City - While person constantly make the mistake of selling drugs to undercover cops, this one sold 25 guns and a ton of cocaine to an undercover cop.  Hall of Shame status.  

 

 

[CANADIENS27]

 

[kinot-2]

[habs1952]

^^^

[kinot-2]

[CANADIENS27]

 

[CANADIENS27]

Pottsville, Arkansas -  A man was involved in a incident and was fleeing police on a stolen motorcycle.  He jumped off the motorcycle and ran across I-40 and into the woods.  He then posted details of details of his exploits on his Facebook page and took a picture of a shirt he made up showing the stolen motorcycle and the police flyer asking for help in finding the "criminal mastermind" who had escaped capture.  Our suspect was wanted on charges related to another incident.  That investigation led to his Facebook page and recovery of the helmet he was wearing during the chase.  He is now charged with theft and fleeing arrest.  

 

 

[CANADIENS27]

 

[CANADIENS27]

Michigan - A woman wanted her ex-husband gone but didn't want to do the deed herself.  So she searched the internet and came across the site rentahitman.com.  The site promised privacy and complied with the HIPPA or Hitman Information Privacy and Protection of 1964.  It came with a promise of a providing someone to do away with her ex in exchange for a $200 down payment and $5000 once the job was done.  The rentahitman.com turned out to be fake that was founded by a man who sends serious inquiries to the police.  The suspect was arrested when an officer showed to take the down payment.  

 

 

[CANADIENS27]

 

[kinot-2]

[habs1952]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes. All the others had been nines and tens.

[habs1952]

This guy comes home from work one night and says to his wife: "I'm starving. What's for dinner, sweetheart?" "Nothing" she replied. "But we've had nothing last night!?!" "Yeah, I made enough for two nights..."
 

[habs1952]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, 'She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly afterward, they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in, ordered, and had 3 extra-large helpings of delicious baked beans. He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and *RRIIIPPPP!!!* It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Then he got another urge. This was a real blue-ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table fell over.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!!!" There, seated around the table to his great alarm, were twelve dinner guests for his surprise birthday party...

[habs1952]

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theatre for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theatre, far from the stage.

The man calls an usher over and whispers "I just love a good mystery and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat? I'll give you a handsome tip".

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly.

Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket of the second row.

Returning to the man in the back of the theatre, he whispers "Follow me". The usher leads the man down to the second row and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. "Thanks so much" says the theatregoer "This seat is perfect".

He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers "The butler did it in the parlour with the candlestick".

[habs1952]

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The
man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said "If I've told them once I've told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

[habs1952]

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance". "Okay" says the blonde.

"Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T". "That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"

"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" "That's easy. Twelve!" "Twelve?" "January second, February second, March second--"

"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?" "That's easy. Howard!" "Howard?" "You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."

[habs1952]

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning. The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great, great grandchildren and a forty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

[habs1952]

A policewoman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault" I said "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again". "Do you really expect me to believe that?" she laughed. I said "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then". she smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, she looked at me and said "Well, show me your pocket then". "What for...?" I asked.
She said "The drugs". I said "What drugs...?"
 

[habs1952]

While out sports fishing in Australia, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted "Are there any crocodiles around here!?" "Nah" the man hollered back "They ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy "How'd you get rid of the crocs?" "We didn't do nothin''" the old beachcomber replied "the Sharks got 'em".

[habs1952]

A 6-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry" the mother says "Your little sister doesn't realise that pulling hair hurts". A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says "Now she knows".
 

[habs1952]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family".

No one moved.

The preacher continued "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression".

Again, all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic... rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets..."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.