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A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said "Shingles". So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles". So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Half an hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles". She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles". The doctor said "Where?" He said "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

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A lady lost her handbag. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented "Hmm.... that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills". The boy quickly replied "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward".

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No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden looked shocked and told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"

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An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large tech firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your email address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically email you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day".

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an email address.

To this the manager replies "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an email address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day".

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week, he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up, he sells the cart to buy a broken-down truck.

At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no email address, the insurance man is stunned.

"What, you don't have email? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago, I would be sweeping floors and making $5.35 an hour".

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess".

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good" said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched'". "That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands".

"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home". The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'".

The operator shakes his head.

"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul".

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A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did". The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".

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A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning, she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. A man didn't come home one night. The next morning, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

All of a sudden, he said out loud "Lord, grant me one wish".

 Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The man said "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want".

The Lord said "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports that would be required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify Me".

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy".

The Lord replied "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said "I think it's WOOMB".

The second replied "No, it must be WOOOOMBH".

The third said "You both have it wrong - it's WOOM".

The fourth stated "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB".

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it". Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"

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 I took four tires to a friend's garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me. "Sure" he said "but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" "Try for more, but I will accept $20 each" I said, and left. When I returned, my tyres were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly. "Twenty bucks each". "Who bought them?" "I did!"

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My girlfriend told me she hoped I had something special planned for Valentine's Day. I said "I'm working on it" and she smiled. Which was weird as I thought she would be upset that I'm having to work on Valentine's Day.
 

 

Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says "I gotta admit I'm scared out here". The other replies "You're scared!? I gotta walk back alone!"

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalised. "Well" said the Director "after we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub".
Would you use the spoon? The teacup? The bucket? "Oh, I understand" said the visitor. "A sane person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup". Noooooo" answered the Director, looking at the visitor with new interest "A sane person would pull the drain plug".

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An overweight business workmate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds.

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic chocolate cake.

We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special cake" he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed: 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery'".

"And sure enough" he continued "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

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When our lawnmower broke, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow, I always had something else to take care of. First, the truck, the car, playing golf, always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again as a joke, I handed her a toothbrush. I said "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway". The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at gun point told the man to hand over the jewellery and money now! The man started sobbing and said "Brother, you can take anything you want, but please untie the rope and free her". The thief says "You must really love your wife!" The man replied "No, she is my neighbour's wife, mine will be home any second!"

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A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a living will. "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug" the man says. His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
 

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